I LOST MYSELF

Because I didn't want to lose him, I lost myself in the process. I became a girl who kept being mistreated and I  formed a habit of saying "I'm used to it". I became a girl who kept being unappreciated and I began to tell myself "It's okay". I became a girl who kept being undervalued and I learned how to say "I'm fine". I became a girl who kept being put last and I naturally reacted with "It's whatever". I became a girl who kept being taken for granted and I dealt with it by repeating "Everything's okay". I became a girl who kept being unhappy and I regularly told people "I'm gonna be fine". And I need to understand that no guy is worth losing myself for, no guy is worth suffering for at the expense of my happiness, and no guy is worth tormenting myself over for the sake of making him happy. At this point, perhaps losing him is the only way I'd be able to get myself back because as much as I wouldn't want this to be true, he's the only thing that's in my way of finding myself and he's the only reason I've lost myself  for so long.

An open letter to the guy I never chose

You were the guy who saw me at my worst yet treated me like I was the best thing he ever had. As cliché as it sounds, you were everything at once yet nothing at all. You came at a time when I was emotionally unstable. Hurting. Indecisive even, of the things that I wanted but you set all of those aside and chose to love the little that was left of me.

You knew from the start that you are not my first option. You never were. But you still persevered to build me up piece by piece, to listen to my endless rants, to hear my 2am thoughts, and to be the silver lining of all the hurting. You were the miracle that happened to me just like how Margo was to Q, how Agustus was to Hazel, or even how Tris was to Four. You were the breath of fresh air that I needed after drowning in the deep waters too long that I felt numb. Numb of pain I actually felt. Numb until I learned to breathe again.

You were my 11:11. The small detail of my day that managed to make a very big impact to my life. Then I thought, what if I met you before him? Maybe I wouldn’t have been the train wreck you’ve stumbled upon. Maybe I would’ve been happier. Maybe I would’ve been the one to take care of you instead of the other way around. Maybe I wouldn’t have hurt you the way I did when he came back.
I chose him over you. The guy who hurt me. The guy who left me. Suddenly I let go of your caring arms and ran back to the forest I once got lost in. Getting pricked by the same thorns that once scraped my bare feet. But I continued running. Away from the home I have come to know as my own. But maybe that’s just how it works. How people are drawn to the things that hurt them. How we take the important things for granted how we only gratify the things we love when they’re gone. But it isn’t.

I was stupid. Stupid to leave you the way he left me. The way I chased my dreams when I already have what was meant for me. The way I saw your face as I left you for another. The way I never chose you and always came back running to him. But it’s too late for regrets. Too late to say sorry. Too late to come back home. And too late to let me fix you the way you fixed me.

You know what? He broke me once again. He broke the strings inside me the same way he broke his guitar strings whenever he played. Maybe if I had chosen you I would never have to build myself again. To start the process all over again, but only this time, I was alone. Away from your warmth. Away from your sweet caress. And away from your conforming words. Because you finally made up your mind that you deserve someone better than me. And you were right. Right that I was never worthy of the love that you made me feel. To be trusted with such a fragile heart that I ended up shattering. To be given a piece in your life yet choose to depart from it.

Someday, I hope she’ll love you unlike the way I did. I hope she’ll treasure you unlike the way I did.
I hope she’ll never leave you the way I did. And..I hope she’ll chose you like the way I never did.

Lang Paninindigan

BLESSED TO BLESS (Zechariah 8:1-23)

Blessing is the projection of good into the life of another. It isn't just words. It's the actual putting forth of your will for the good of another person. It always involves God, because when you will the good of another person, you realize only God is capable of bringing that. So we naturally say, "God bless you."

Last December 18, 2016, the main highlight in my 23 years of existence happens. My boyfriend's brother named, Ysmael organized the event called "BAG Project" BAG means Be-A-Giver. When Kuya Ysh told me about the event, I wasn't hesitant and immediately asked for details and volunteered to lead the registration team. Also, I was asked to sing on the event together with my friend, Ener. Again, I wasn't hesitant even if I'm unsure of my voice. HAHAHA!

A night before the event, I came to my boyfriend's house to help them packed those stuffs to be given to the 35 children of Meysulao, Calumpit Bulacan. Then, at exactly 8:30am we arrived on the meeting place.

at the registration area

1pm the estimated time we arrived at the church, the venue of the said event. We pray, draw , sing , dance and talk to those children and their parents. I found myself happy for making them happy. It was a fulfillment for me. Able to help the needy is much blessing.

Me and my friend Ener sing "Christmas in our hearts"

video of our performance (HAHA): https://www.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1209378609142363&id=319477424799157

Pray over each family.

 BAG Project team sing and dance with the kids

You can bless someone when you will their good under the invocation of God. You invoke God on their behalf to support the good that you will for them. This is the nature of blessing. It is what we are to receive from God and then give to another.

Now we need to deepen that just a little bit, because it isn't just a verbal performance. It isn't "bless you" said through gritted teeth. It's a generous outpouring of our whole being into blessing the other person. So, among other things, you don't want to hurry a blessing. It becomes a habit that we say thoughtlessly, "God bless." Well, that's better than a lot of other things we could say, but we want to be able to put our whole self into our blessing. That is something we need to be thoughtful about. We don't just rattle off a blessing. It's a profoundly personal and powerful act.

draw with the kids (how do they described their family)

Thank God for it! When you try to improve on it, you realize you are not going to make much headway. Glory is meant to be shared from God to human beings. Glory always shines.

Blessings are for sharing. It is easy for people to receive blessings and enjoy them for themselves. Ironically, though, blessings can distract us from God and into ourselves. But blessings are given to us so that we might produce more fruit, and if we don’t, there is a word of warning here. Blessings are a sign of God’s grace — his goodness to us even though we don’t deserve it — not a reward for good works. We need to use them in the way that God wants.

children from Meysulao sings "Give thanks"

Grace is given to us so that we will bear fruit for God and for other people, so that we might help others and become a blessing to others. Grace enables us to become a conduit of God’s love and grace and blessing to others. Just as he has loved us, we should also love others. Just as he has been forgiving toward us, we should be forgiving toward others. Just as he has been generous with us, we should be generous with others. The good things God gives us should be used to serve others. Let us think about how we might use our physical blessings for God’s glory. We all have spiritual blessings, too, and we need to think about how God may want us to bear fruit with those, to use them for the common good (1 Corinthians 12:7). Blessings are wonderful, and as God’s people, we can learn how to share them with others, just as God shares his good gifts with us.

with Pastor

the main highlight of the event, gift giving

BAG Project Team

I'm happy that I became part of this successful charitable event. I'm proud to be one of BAG project team. :) Looking forward for more years to help the needy! I'm willing to give the best that I can. I'm BLESSED TO BLESS. That's the greatest and best gift this Christmas. ^_^

#BlessedToBless

Like BAG Project team on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/BAG-Project-319477424799157/

UNHAPPY

Happiness. They said happiness is what you've created. Happiness starts with YOU. It MUST be start with you. But what if you can't create your own hapiness? What if there's something or someone holding back for your happiness? What will you do? Would you go away or just stay even if you're not treated right? What if it kills you every second of the day? Would you still chase for it? Would you still holding on for it , fight for it and pray for it? You know you're already in the end but you don't want to end it. You just keep on going. Keep on going even if you mistreated , neglected , abandoned and unloved. All you did is to cry every night. Having a bad feeling everyday and a heavy heart is totally can kill a person inside. Little by little I'm dying inside. I want to kill myself because I'm so worthless. I feel so stupid allowing this pain to kill me everytime.

TIME

"TIME is free, but its priceless. You can't own it but you can use it. You can't keep it, but you can spend it. Once you've lost it, you can't never get it back." -Harvey Mackay

***

So, thank you for those people who always make time with me. Also, thank you for this precious birthday gift. the best birthday gift I've ever received. I really want to have a watch and I'm thinking the reason why you gave me this. Thank you very much. Ikaw talaga yung maaalala ko dito kasi eto yung bagay na hindi mo kahit kelan pinagkait sakin na ibigay kahit na hindi tayo sobrang magkakilala yun ay yung ORAS mo. Maraming salamat, Kaibigan! :)

BOOKS

Search for your favorite books and download it. :) 

ENJOY BIBLIOPHILES!! :)

click this

A letter to the man I will love someday

Dear You,

I will admit that sometimes I really do wonder if you exist.

There is a part of every little girl’s heart that envisions her prince charming. At age three, it is usually of a man who can save her from the wrath of an evil stepmother, wake her from eternal slumber or give her that true love’s kiss.

In elementary school, he becomes the boy with the least cooties, the one who’s willing to cross the playground to share his Oreos even if it makes him a target for the week of all the other boys.

Come high school, it’s that boy you stand with at prom, who your father stared down at the door, who provided you with an experience complete with photos you will cringe at a decade later, a corsage that yellows in the refrigerator, and a faded memory of a night that seemed almost too magical to be real.

Twenty-two years into this life, however, and still unwilling to give my heart away, I am still that same little girl who hopes for her prince charming. And although I wonder why it has taken you this long to sweep me off my feet and whisk me off to your palace on horseback, I know that it is probably because meeting you will be better than any fairytale I could’ve read as a kid.

A couple of heartbreaks and a few years wiser though, I will admit that there are times when I question your existence. Because I have yet to meet the guy who makes me hear songs like “All My Life” or “Everytime we touch” in my head when I see him does not mean I don’t hope that it’ll ever happen.

I may already know you or may still meet you someday—something I leave completely up to God because I’m pretty sure our story will be epic.

However, I can’t promise you that I’d make the world’s most perfect princess. In fact I’ll probably keep you on your toes and amuse you with my eccentricities—there are a lot of them. I’ll probably steal a bunch of your T-shirts and turn them into shirt dresses, or drive you slightly mad with my obsessive compulsivity and my need to fix your collar constantly.

I can promise to be your best friend however—that person you can rant to after a rough day, the hand you can hold when you get sad, or the person you can text when situations get awkward.

I’ll probably mess up your hair sometimes and hug you for too long, but that’ll only be because I absolutely adore you. I’ll bury my head in your shoulder during scary movies and make you feel like superman when you kill those flying cockroaches that really shouldn’t exist. I’ll cook your favorite food on your birthday and try my best to make friends with your mom.

I’ll respect your nights-out with the boys and make you seem like the perfect guy to my barkada. I’ll watch basketball or play games with you, and not complain when you cheer too loudly at the TV set.

I’ll know the difference between giving you space and being constantly there for you—even if it means sitting and playing computer games with you or taking hot chocolate runs when it rains.

I’ll listen to your music and we’ll go on epic adventures together—seeing the world, taking awesome pictures, eating awesome food, and never running out of things to tell each other along the way.

I won’t be waiting for you to sweep me off my feet and take me on a magic carpet ride, because I know I won’t need anything like that to fall for you—I will love you for you.

You will be that someone to make goofy faces with in pictures, to lace fingers with when I’m lonely, and to take long walks under the stars with on the beach.

You’ll be the guy who takes me the way I am—and will laugh as I burst into Disney song or pick out pink wallpaper.

You’ll be that someone I envision a future with—us filling out visa forms as we travel the universe, picking out our first dog together and arguing about what to name it, or being snap-happy stage parents in our preschooler’s annual mini-plays. And I keep hoping that maybe someday when we find each other, you will become that someone whose smile I wake up to in the morning and the last one I speak to every night.

So to the man I know does exist, and who will help me maybe make sense of the world someday, this man I can’t wait to love. Please know that I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you. But for now, I wait. Fingers crossed and palms held together, I hope that you’re out there somewhere, waiting for me, too.

With the hope I will be yours for always,

Me

GOD, I'M IN PAIN

God, Ngayon. Hindi ako pumasok sa trabaho ko. Masakit eh. Nadudurog ako. Pinong pino. Yung nalaman mong nagsinungaling sayo yung taong muli mong pinagkatiwalaan. Yung taong binigyan mo ng pagkakataong sabihin sayo yung buong katotohanan pero nagsinungaling pala. Umiiyak lang ako buong gabi hanggat sa napagod ako at nawalan na ng ganang pumasok sa trabaho ko.

Gumising po ako na umiiyak parin. Hanggang sa panaginip ko. God, ang sakit. Ang sakit sakit. Paano niya nagawang ilihim sa akin yun? Oo nakaraan pa yon pero nagtanong naman ako sa kanya pero bakit hindi niya inamin? God, tuwing naiisip ko yun umiiyak lang ako. Mas lalo akong nawalan ng tiwala. Iba na yung pakiramdam ko ngayon towards him. Ayoko siyang maalala kasi naaalala ko lang sa kanya yung kasalanan niya. God, nagmahal lang naman ako. Kasalanan ko ba na hindi ako maging sapat sa taong mahal ko? Kasalanan ko bang hindi maging maganda? Kasalanan ko bang hindi maging sexy? Kasalanan ko ba yung mga bagay na hindi niya makita sakin na nakikita niya sa iba? Dyos ko, kung nakikita mo ako. Makikita mong umaagos yung luha ko ng walang tigil habang sinusulat ko ito. Parang hindi ako makahinga. Wala akong mapagsabihan dahil alam ko lang yung sasabihin nila sa akin. Sisisihin nila ako kasi di ako nakinig sa kanila. Mas lalo lang bibigat pakiramdam ko pag ganun. Kaya sinasarili ko nalang to. Napakasakit. Pinapatay ako ng sakit. Ayoko ng ganitong sakit.

God, titiisin ko to hanggang sa matapos yung birthday ko. Ayokong maging malungkot yung birthday ko. Kasi ayun yung pinakamahalagang okasyon sa buhay ko. Ayokong pag wala siya , tatanungin siya ng mga kaibigan ko kung nasaan siya at kung bakit wala siya. Ayokong mabadtrip at magdrama sa mismong birthday ko. Mas maigi ng makita nilang masaya ako. Mas madali kasing iexplain kung bakit ka masaya kesa sa kung bakit ka malungkot. Pero gabi gabi ko tong iiyakan hanggat di ko nasasabi sa kanya. Napakasakit. Yun lang yung salitang masasabi ko. Yung hindi lang iyak yung ginagawa ko kundi humihikbi. Bagay na nagagawa ko lang kapag hindi ko na kaya yung sakit. God, bakit po ganito?

Nireready ko na yung sarili ko pagkatapos ng kaarawan ko. Yung tiwala kong masasalba pa sana pero ngayon hindi na. Hindi ko inaasahan na masakit palang malaman yung katotohanan sa mismong naging babae niya. Yung katotohanan na para narin akong pinapatay. Yung tuwing maaalala ko, parang gusto kong tapusin na yung buhay ko. Kung hindi ko lang naiisip yung pamilya at kaibigan ko, siguro nagawa ko na yun. Ayoko ng makaramdam ng ganitong sakit God. Ang bigat bigat na po. Hindi ko na po kaya.

SHORT HAIR

“A woman who cuts her hair is about to change her life.”

― Coco Chanel

There are few girls who would dare to deny this universal truth transcendent among women of all ages residing across the seemingly infinite expanse of the universe: There is no material possession in our lives rich with greater substance than our HAIR. I don't care if its length surpasses the curve of your waist or if it's razor-cut and asymmetrical. Whether it spirals into a dizzying array of curls or hangs straight like two silken curtains is irrelevant. It doesn’t matter if it's wildly red, bleached and toned, dyed to the perfect pastel-cotton-candy pink or dark as a raven soaring through the night, our hair tells the world who we are, without us having to utter a word. When a woman takes a moment to reflect back on the colorful story of her life, each chapter will be defined by the diverse myriad of hairstyles she rocked within each specific decade, exploded moment and passionate love affair. “Hair holds so much more energy than most of us are aware of. Some women use it as a security blanket whose purpose is to shield and protect, while others use it as a secret weapon to tease and entice,” enthused Owen Gould, a celebrity hairstylist who has styled the tresses of everyone from Jessica Alba to Björk to Karlie Kloss to Kate Hudson, amid a mid-afternoon deep and heated dialogue with myself about the powerful connection between hair and identity.

Whether it's to signal the end of a relationship or a new promotion at work — there is usually a direct correlation between what's happening on our heads and what's happening in our lives.” Amen. The hair goddesses up above couldn't have said it more articulately than our expert. After all, what is a more powerful way to embark on a journey of personal transformation than to begin with the literal cutting off of the old and starting anew? Once those ever-so-shiny silver scissors snip away at our split, broken ends, all that has been damaged and abused in our lives falls onto the salon floor, gets swept up and tossed into the garbage alongside our old hair, never to be seen again. It's the shedding of old skin. It's akin to the feeling of checking heavy baggage at the airport and finally being free to run around with just your coin purse. It's like pushing a reset button on your life. Because what most people neglect to realize is when a woman cuts her hair — she's cutting off SO MUCH MORE:

1. She's cutting herself off from the societal standard of beauty. If we were to close our eyes to society’s message that beauty is only present in long, luxurious hair, we would see the most honest visual of sexiness is displayed in the short haircut. Short hair exposes the most seductive part of a woman's body: her neck. And once we get a glimpse of her neck, our eyes work their way down to her clavicle… Short hair exposes and highlights the physique of a woman — in a way long hair simply can't.

2. She's cutting out a toxic relationship. The best thing a woman can do when caught up in the tethered ties of a breakup is to embark on a change of heart through the change of her HAIR. Hair represents the intimacy of her last relationship, and keeping it in the same post-breakup not only keeps her mentally stagnant in the relationship but far more vulnerable to a relationship relapse. Nothing will kick-start the beat of a broken heart like a new hairstyle. The best part is now she can get the hairstyle she always wanted — not the same blonde highlights she endured year after year because it was what her ex preferred. She’s free to explore HER personal aesthetic as a fierce individual, without the shackles of outside opinion. She's cutting off your expectations of her. There are few things more life-affirming than a girl proclaiming to the universe SHE is going to finally do whatever the f*ck she wants. By fearlessly cutting her hair into the edgy style she has always dreamed of, she’s ridding herself of the rigid expectations bestowed upon her by society, her partner, her friends and her family. In turn, she’s creating her very own. Liberating herself in this way unleashes a whole new side of her personality and opens her up to a world she didn’t know existed.

3. She's cutting off safety to find adventure. Long hair is nestled deeply into the crux of the comfort zone. By cutting off long hair, we are cutting ourselves off from a falsified sense of protection. Our vision is widened without the blinding veils of long hair. With short hair, we’re stepping out of the barbed-wire cage of familiarity and stepping into the broad spectrum of adventure. She's cutting off the damage. Sometimes we abuse the hair on our heads. What was once luscious and unbreakable is now frail and wispy. The incessant abuse we bestowed upon our strands with the brutal weaponry of hot irons and teasing combs has wreaked severe havoc. Our hair (and our souls) are left worn and damaged. Not even the most expensive and luxurious Kerastase treatment in the world can breathe life into hair so DEAD. Sometimes the only thing to do is get rid of it and start the f*ck over. True for life and hair. She's cutting off 25 to 35 minutes of maintenance. The very thought of even calculating the time and energy graciously poured into the styling, the combing, the washing and conditioning of long hair is painfully daunting. The hours handcuffed to the tending of hair over the course of a woman’s life are uncountable. It’s as simple as it sounds: The shorter the hair, the shorter the time spent caring for it. What if a woman invested her time into seeking adventure, reading, and engaging in conversation? Could she become a more fully realized woman? What could fill up those empty hours she spent tangled into the thick wires of flatirons and hairdryers? She's cutting off “beauty” to tap into style. The beauty industry would like us to believe long hair is concurrent with “beauty”– but FASHION says otherwise. Nothing exudes STYLE like a fashion-forward, short haircut. The truly “beautiful” girls are the ones who have authentic personal style. They have creative vision that is expressed through their own definition of beauty. The girls who abandon convention, opting for originality instead. After all, “beauty” fades; style is everlasting.

4. She's cutting off fear. When a girl finally has the courage to cut her hair, she's finally owning who she truly is. She’s cutting herself off from everything she was, to be everything she is.

So far, this is the shortest hair I've ever had in my whole life. The first one I cut my hair short was the time my ex (basically still, my boyfriend now) broke up with me for the first time. but not like this. then now, when all else fails. I dunno what to do with my life now, I dunno what to do to lessen my stress, anxiety and everything. I want to be positive in life that's why I chose to change. Do something that I'm afraid to do and one of those fear is "to cut my hair". I really hate cutting my hair even an inch but because of stressing life brought to me, I decided to do it. just like Coco Chanel's quote "A woman who cuts her hair is about to change her life." Yes, I'm about to change and don't give a damn to those people who left me. they are unworthy to my life anyway. and to those who will leave, I DON'T CARE. just do what you want you're just proving me you don't deserve me. I'm a Queen, I'm PRICELESS and you can not find as priceless as me in this world full of trash. ^_^

Choose Her Every Day (Or Leave Her)

***

I spent 5 years hurting a good woman by staying with her but never fully choosing her.
I did want to be with this one. I really wanted to choose her. She was an exquisite woman, brilliant and funny and sexy and sensual. She could make my whole body laugh with her quick, dark wit and short-circuit my brain with her exotic beauty. Waking up every morning with her snuggled in my arms was my happy place. I loved her wildly.

Unfortunately, as happens with many young couples, our ignorance of how to do love well quickly created stressful challenges in our relationship. Before long, once my early morning blissful reverie gave way to the strained, immature ways of our everyday life together, I would often wonder if there was another woman out there who was easier to love, and who could love me better.

As the months passed and that thought reverberated more and more through my head, I chose her less and less. Every day, for five years, I chose her a little less.

I stayed with her. I just stopped choosing her. We both suffered.

Choosing her would have meant focusing every day on the gifts she was bringing into my life that I could be grateful for: her laughter, beauty, sensuality, playfulness, companionship, and so … much … more.

Sadly, I often found it nearly impossible to embrace – or even see – what was so wildly wonderful about her.

I was too focused on the anger, insecurities, demands, and other aspects of her strong personality that grated on me. The more I focused on her worst, the more I saw of it, and the more I mirrored it back to her by offering my own worst behavior. Naturally, this only magnified the strain on our relationship … which still made me choose her even less.

Thus did our nasty death spiral play itself out over five years.

She fought hard to make me choose her. That’s a fool’s task.

To be fair, she didn’t fully choose me, either. The rage-fueled invective she often hurled at me was evidence enough of that.

I realize now, however, that she was often angry because she didn’t feel safe with me. She felt me not choosing her every day, in my words and my actions, and she was afraid I would abandon her.

Actually, I did abandon her.

Like a precious fragrant flower I brought proudly into my home but then failed to water, I left her alone in countless ways to wither in the dry hot heat of our intimate relationship.

I’ll never not choose another woman I love again.

It’s torture for everyone.

If you can’t find a satisfying answer, dig deeper and find one. It could be as simple as noticing that in your deepest heart’s truth, “I just do.”

If you can’t find it today, ask yourself again tomorrow. We all have disconnected days.

But if too many days go by and you just can’t connect with why you’re choosing your partner, and your relationship is rife with stress, let them go. Create the opening for another human being to show up and see them with fresh eyes and a yearning heart that will enthusiastically choose them every day.

Your loved one deserves to be enthusiastically chosen. Every day.

You do, too.

Choose wisely.

https://bryanreeves.com/choose-her-everyday-or-leave-her/

LOVE IS ONE BIG ILLUSION

From Micheal Learns to Rock, That's Why You Go Away, "Love is one big illusion. I should try to forget." Yes. From the day he gave up on me, I finally prove that Love is just an illusion. Why there are people you keep on fighting for but then made himself in a safeside? Playing safe is the word. I dunno but I don't believe in the idea of love since that day. All I knew is if that someone can no longer make you happy, you just have to leave, if that person has those traits and achievements you ideally want on your standard, then it will make you stay even if you are no longer happy. I can't contain myself now to be fully happy. At the end of the day, I admit, regrets are keep on coming on my mind. But what shall I do? I can't move my feet. I'm just thinking of my unborn children's future. I can sense that I don't love him anymore. I just love the idea of loving him just for the sake of future. The sad part is maybe I'll be forever imprisoned with a lonely feeling. I will not die with a happy and contented heart. God, I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I keep on disobeying you. You've given me a second chance to choose, not with the same person but with different person and still, I chose someone who will not make me happy and feel loved. I'm sorry God, for keep on hurting those people who never aimed to hurt me.

I'll just keep on wearing this mask just to hide my pain. Just to pretend in everything. Just my future to be safe. Even if it will kill me everyday. It's okay, I'm good at pretending.

UNFAITHFUL

When I found out my boyfriend had been unfaithful, my heart skipped a beat. Then it began to beat so aggressively that I could see my heart lifting from my chest. Then came the uncontrollable shaking and losing any and all control over my body. I didn’t know how to react, so I pretended like nothing had happened and that everything was OK; I wanted one last moment of bliss before I knew it had to end it.

I went one month broken up with him, and without him by my side, before I finally cracked and went back into his arms — a place that was so familiar and comfortable to me. My ego was bruised and I felt insecure. Why did he cheat? Was I not good enough? How was I so blind? All these questions and thoughts kept me up for nights on end, this obsession to know why. I went back to not only figure out the answers to these questions that unceasingly nagged at me, but to also make him want me again something I so desperately needed to feel. Of course I know this is a fruitless and pathetic pursuit to seek out validation from someone who is clearly undeserving of my respect and love.

And, as might be expected, after going back to him, my obsessive need to know why he did this to me only worsened; now I needed to have full control over everything he did, without him knowing. And thus, my own personal experiment was born. I knew him like the back of my hand. and now especially that my eyes were suddenly open to his lies and deceits. So I started to test him, for the first time ever. I would watch his body language and his responses to different situations. I would go through his facebook account and those girls I knew he flirted whenever possible, collecting evidence and background information to compare to his stories and to see how easily and how well he could lie. But I continued to stay with him; I wanted to see more and how it would all play out.


Last Friday, he was being extra affectionate through text. He never asked me what my plans were that day or thought to tell me what he was planning to do. And I didn’t ask either. I thought he change already for the better but I was wrong.

This time, I had read the signs and patterns; I had fully expected it. And I still stayed with him.

I stayed because my interest had grown and I wanted to see how far he would go with this. I also wanted to test out a plan: could I smother him with so much love that he would quit playing around with other girls? Or would he just continue to take advantage of me and whore around with no guilt or remorse? I needed to know. So I gave him all my love and attention, and I keep on waiting. Why am I doing this to myself if it’s only embarrassing me? I already know he is a heartless piece of shit; why am I wasting my time?

It’s now abundantly clear to me that boys do not magically change out of thin air. When you go back someone who has cheated on you, you are basically telling them you are a door mat to be stepped on. You are telling them, “yes, go ahead and cheat on me again, because chances are I’ll crack and come back to you as always.” And it’s hard to blame them; why would a guy not take full advantage of someone who is allowing him to have his cake and eat it too?

And finally, some truths about guys to always remember:

1. Boys will never change their ways.
2. They literally think with their dicks.
3. Your feelings are not a priority to them.
4. Trust your intuition; it is always right!
5. Never give your all. Protect yourself or else they will use and abuse you.
6. Make them fucking work for it.
7. Never settle!
8. Never blame the side chick. If your man is truly committed, he would never stray.
9. Love yourself because no one else will love you better!

***

I always listen to this song and it reminds me of him. whenever I hear this song, I feel pain. and to my future lover/partner, Please, don't say you love me unless forever. 

"Don't Say You Love Me"

I've seen this place a thousand times

I've felt this all before

And every time you call

I've waited there as though you might not call at all

I know this face I'm wearing now

I've seen this in my eyes

And though it feels so great, I'm still afraid

That you'll be leaving anytime

We've done this once and then you closed the door

Don't let me fall again for nothing more

Don't say you love me unless forever

Don't tell me you need me, if you're not gonna stay

Don't give me this feeling, I'll only believe it

Make it real or take it all away

I've caught myself smiling alone

Just thinking of your voice

And dreaming of your touch, is all too much

You know I don't have any choice

Don't say you love me unless forever

Don't tell me you need me, if you're not gonna stay

Don't give me this feeling, I'll only believe it

Make it real or take it all away...

We've done this once and then you closed the door

Don't let me fall again for nothing more

Don't say you love me unless forever

Don't tell me you need me, if you're not gonna stay

Don't give me this feeling, I'll only believe it

Make it real or take it all away

Don't tell me you need me, if you're not gonna stay

Don't give me this feeling, I'll only believe it

Make it real, (make it real,) or take it all away

Take it all away, take it all away...

Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman

You feel like a fool, you fell for him and he stabbed you in the back.
He said he was different, but he ended up being like every other man (men you know or know about)
He cheated.
However, in his long list of apologies he said “but I love you, it was a mistake“. In your head you’re wondering how can he love you and cheat on you…

Men cheat for various reasons. Sometimes it’s just because they don’t love you, sometimes it’s not that easy. Most of the time you hear men cheat because they are not mature, they don’t respect you, they’re boys.  Men are visual, so eventually they go find something better and all the things that are on the surface, but what about the deep reasons why. The reasons no one ever mention.

Like what I've said in one of my entry here: "If you don’t feel blessed to have her in your life, through the good and the bad times, let her go because she is not your blessing to have."

DON'T CHEAT. Just let her go.

I really like Bryan Adams'song "Have you ever really loved a woman?" it says there how will you know if you really love a woman. The lyrics, the music, I could feel the love there and how genuine and sincere every line that composer did. I hope someday, someones gonna love me that way. below is the lyrics of the song. I can't get enough with that song. I keep on listening to it for a whole day. :)

***

"Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman"

To really love a woman 

To understand her - you gotta know her deep inside

Hear every thought - see every dream 

N' give her wings - when she wants to fly 

Then when you find yourself lyin' helpless in her arms

Ya know ya really love a woman 

When you love a woman you tell her

that she's really wanted 

When you love a woman you tell her that she's the one 

Cuz she needs somebody to tell her

that it's gonna last forever 

So tell me have you ever really 

- really really ever loved a woman? 

To really love a woman 

Let her hold you - 

til ya know how she needs to be touched 

You've gotta breathe her - really taste her 

Til you can feel her in your blood 

N' when you can see your unborn children in her eyes 

Ya know ya really love a woman 

When you love a woman 

you tell her that she's really wanted 

When you love a woman you tell her that she's the one

Cuz she needs somebody to tell her

that you'll always be together 

So tell me have you ever really - 

really really ever loved a woman? 

You got to give her some faith - hold her tight

A little tenderness - gotta treat her right 

She will be there for you, takin' good care of you 

Ya really gotta love your woman...

Every Choice Is The Wrong Choice So You Might As Well Do What You Love

Here is what I know for sure: You’re going to regret every choice that you make.

I don’t mean to be a downer – quite the opposite in fact. I don’t think that every choice you’re going to make will be a poor one. I believe in your choices! I believe that you are excellent in making them. But what I don’t believe in is our ability, as humans, to properly evaluate the choices that we’ve made in retrospect. Because we seem to mess up an awful lot, don’t we? Isn’t it funny how that works?

Here’s the problem with making decisions – when we do so, we look at the highlight reel of both options. The raging success that one choice could empower us with, the comfortable stability another could ensure. We decide which choice to go with by evaluating the best-case scenarios but we fail to imagine the worst. We neglect to remember that each choice comes with its pitfalls and its drawbacks. And no matter what we choose, we will encounter those downfalls.

You can’t escape things going wrong. You’re going to fail and fall short and be criticized for any choice you make, even the most logical one. That’s both the horror and redemption of any decision. As soon as the days start to wear or the challenges begin to rear their ugly heads, we immediately want to rush backwards. We condemn ourselves for making a poor decision, as though there could possibly have been another option where each day was paved with successes and cosmic Universal rewards. We forget all of the grim consequences the other choice could have presented to us and we gaze melancholically at the shiny highlight reel that we cast aside.

It’s all-to-easy to idealize the things we didn’t choose. But here’s the truth about every decision you make: At some point or another, you’re going to find yourself down in its muddy, perilous trenches. So the most important question you can ask yourself is: Which trenches do you want to be down in? Which side do you want to be fighting for? When the going gets tough and all the currents are swimming against you (because they will be), what are you going to keep on thrashing for?

What are you going to believe in on the days when you are fed up and exhausted? Who are you still going to love when you’ve been fighting for seven straight hours? What’s going to jump out and claim itself “Worth it” on the worst day, instead of the best? What is your favourite problem to have?

Because the right things will always be worth it – whether we fail, soar or fall somewhere in the undecided middle. When there’s a life that we know we should be living or a cause that we know we should be fighting for, there is nothing nobler we can do than to try for it with all that we’re worth. To fail at it. To learn from it. To bring ourselves as close to it as any way possible, on both our best days and our worst. Our job isn’t to win every battle we fight. Our job is to be a part of the right army.

We make decisions infinitely more complicated than they need to be: There is no right choice. There is no wrong. There are only different flavours of right and wrong and how they’ll manifest themselves through whichever choice you go on to make. So ask yourself – which flavour is the most bearable? And at the end of the day, which problem will you be proud to have?

17 Changes To Make In Your Love Life In 2017

Definitely, I'll do this on 2017. ^_^

1. Be selective with who you give your heart to. Make sure that they are worthy, that they deserve it, that they will hold it carefully.

2. Do the same thing with the hearts of others. Be gentle, be respectful, remember that any heart that is placed in your hands is attached to someone’s soul.

3. Remember that the timeline of your love life will always be the right timeline for you. Who cares if your one friend got married at 24 or your other friend got engaged at 29 or your sister had her first baby at 31. Remember that whichever way your life works out is the exact way it is supposed to work out.

4. Understand that someone wanting to be with you simply because they are lonely is not love – it’s selfishness and fear.

5. Be comfortable with standing up for yourself when you’re right, and be comfortable with apologizing when you’re wrong.

6. Stop wasting your time with people who make you feel small, or not good enough, or like you need to change yourself.

7. Remind yourself that it’s completely possible to be in a healthy and happy relationship and to still have a completely solid sense of self and a solid sense of independence.

8. Understand that if you want to feel the pure high of truly falling in love, you have to be willing to jump and you have to be willing to get hurt.


9. If you get hurt, remember that it’s so much better to have let your heart experience this than it is to sit ‘safely’ in a dark room, never being shattered but also never truly experiencing how much the human heart can feel.

10. Remember that you are under no obligation to explain or rationalize any part of your love life to anyone, unless you want to.

11. Listen to and take in the advice of people you trust, but remember that at the end of the day, only you know what’s best for you.

12. Remind yourself every day that you don’t need a significant other in order to combat your loneliness. And that if you can work up the courage to ask for help, the people who care about you will do everything in their power to show you that you’re never alone.

13. Tell someone when you like them and don’t feel weird about it. If they like you too, great. If they don’t, this is the best possible way to weed out the kind of person who is just here to play games.

14. Remember that real love means seeing one another’s greatest flaws and insecurities and loving each other all the more because of how human it makes you and how much stronger it makes your connection.

15. Don’t apologize for having high standards, as long as those standards are focused on finding someone who treats you well and makes you feel loved.

16. Ignore the temptation to compare your love life to everyone else’s. It’s a waste of time, it’s never accurate, and all it does is spin you in circles about something you never know the full story on anyways. Focus on you, and your love life, and ignore everything else.

17. Love yourself enough to choose good love. You deserve it.

13 Signs You’re Finally Dating A Good Man

1. He makes an effort to get to know your friends and family. And not just as a favor to you. He genuinely wants to know the people you care about.

2. He actively roots for you and your personal success. He isn’t threatened by your achievements. He’s proud and loves sharing in those moments.

3. You never feel in competition. You are cheering each other on every step of the way.

4. He is respectful to your feelings. He doesn’t call you emotional or crazy. He tries to understand where you’re coming from, and if he can’t, he isn’t invalidating towards you.

5. He is respectful to women in general. He doesn’t make inappropriate comments about other women’s appearances. He doesn’t tear them down just because.

6. He shows up when he says he will. Both physically and emotionally. If he commits to something, you know he will come through.

7. He’ll buy you tampons while he’s at the store because he remembered you saying you were running low.

8. He’ll help you move or build furniture (that you first attempted to do on your own) without even needing to be asked.

9. He thinks of you two as a team. You’re partners in everything you do, always giving equally.

10. He lets you know how he feels about you. He doesn’t play games. He isn’t cold or withdrawn. His love for you is never something he hides.

11. He makes you feel special. Even when you’re having a terrible day and everything seems to be falling apart. He’ll find a way to remind you how important you are to him.

12. He’s trustworthy. You can tell him anything and know it will stay safe with him.

13. Cheesy as it may sound, he inspires you to be a better person. And that’s the very epitome of a good man.

2AM Thoughts

"Its too late, to stop pretending. Its too late for a new beginning." I can relate from Fra Lippo Lipi song, Later. Yes, Later than ever. I don't know why I'm sad. I can't even smile wholeheartedly. I can't even laugh from the bottom of my heart. I'm just asking God, "Why" why people hurt me? Why I am their favorite to intentionally hurt? I wonder why. I wonder how and why people easily gave up on me. I wonder why people doesn't like me. There are 7 billion people in the whole world but why there's none for me? I just want only one person out of those 7 billion to stay by my side even all else fails. The one that's brave to love me at my weakest. Am I not worthy enough to be loved? Am I ugly?

Maybe I'm just too much. Too much strong that's why no one ask me if I am okay. Okay, I believe I can handle this, I know I can. I hope someday I can meet a person that will love me unconditionally and will be proud to have me. The person that will love me when I'm about to forget to love myself, I thought I've already met that person. The day I told myself I am ready to give up something I'm holding on for 5 years, is also the day that somethings changing. I was about to give up someone just for someone but before I did that, it turns out that it will be a wrong move for me. So I decided to walk away from that person and go back to what I'm holding for 5 years. I asked myself why I allow myself to be hurt again. My wounds are not yet totally heal and here I am, keeping myself bleeding and trying to fix myself again. Trying to be numb again, trying to stand still even if I can't. I don't know why I don't deserve to be love the way I want to. Why love is so unfair? Why it keeps on hurting me? Well, as written on John Green's book, The Fault in our stars, "Pain demands to be felt." But why always? Especially when I am not totally healed?

Later, when I woke up, its another day again. Another day? I think not. Let me rephrase it, its the same day again. The same day I am alone. The same day I am in my silence. The same day I am with my music and my books. The same day that I will go somewhere just with myself. Maybe tomorrow I will go back to Manila just to walk there alone. Just to remember every  pain I felt whenever I'm going there. Also, I will eat alone, watch cinema alone and eat my favorite ice cream alone. Same old routine. I hope I'm getting used to it.

INTRO

Simula. Yun yung intro. Hindi ko to gaanong isusulat sa English gusto ko maexpress ko ng mabuti yung sarili ko sa entry na to. Intro. Hindi ba yun yung simula ng kanta, ng nobela o ng isang storya sa buhay mo?

Napaniwala ako. Naniwala ako. At hindi na ako maniniwala ulit. Lahat ng bagay sa umpisa lang okay. Sa umpisa lang masaya. Sa umpisa lang. Why I let my self believe na may isang lalaking magsstand out? Na magpapatunay na yang paniniwala mo regarding with boys is mali pala? Pero hindi. Tama parin ako. Minsan may dumadating talaga sa buhay ng isang taong wasak na akala mo bubuuhin ka ulit. Yun bang ikaw yung basag na vase, durog na durog pa tapos may darating na akala mo bubuuhin ka yun pala aalis din kapag hindi na nila trip. Hahaha! Yun bang mapapakanta ka nalang ng "Can't believe that I'm a fool again?" Nakakasawa pala. Yung naghihintay ka ng taong tutulong sayo maging ikaw ulit. Yun pala INTRO lang pala.

I deactivated my social media just for me to have peace. Nakakasawang magdrama sa social media. Maraming chismosa. Thanks to this site dahil mula noon, hanggang ngayon dito lang ako free. Malaya.

I realized one thing, DONT TRUST BOYS. Boys. Kasi hindi pa sila MAN kung tatawagin. Boys. Sila yung mga duwag, mga libog lang alam, yung mga walang ibang magawa kundi manakit lang ng babae. Beware lang kung may kapatid kang babae, wag naman sanang gawin sa kanila yun. TIWALA. Trust. Ito na ata yung pinakamahihirapan na akong ibigay ngayon. Ayoko na. I'd rather be cold hearted kesa paulit ulit lang nasisira yung tiwalang binibigay ko. Yun bang mapapakanta ka lagi ng "now you're just somebody that I used to know." Nakakatawang isipin na pinipilit ng isang lalaking sabihin na iba sya then all of the sudden malalaman mong PAREPAREHO lang pala sila. Hahaha! Damn you guys! Go to hell! Ang gagaling nilang magbalat kayo. Mga pakitang tao. Hindi naman gwapo. I don't have to worry anymore dahil I'll be fine with my life. I'll be living free as an air starting now. I know naman na I have God. He's the only man that will not hurt me. God bless to those fuckboys and INTRO guys out there! Wait for the KARMA to serve what you deserve. Remember: What goes around, comes around.

ANGELS

It happens like this. 

One day you meet someone and for some inexplicable reason, you feel more connected to this stranger than anyone else--closer to them than your closest family. Perhaps this person carries within them an angel--one sent to you for some higher purpose; to teach you an important lesson or to keep you safe during a perilous time. What you must do is trust in them--even if they come hand in hand with pain or suffering--the reason for their presence will become clear in due time.

Though here is a word of warning--you may grow to love this person but remember they are not yours to keep. Their purpose isn't to save you but to show you how to save yourself. And once this is fulfilled; the halo lifts and the angel leaves their body as the person exits your life. They will be a stranger to you once more.

THE LOVER'S DICTIONARY - DAVID LEVITHAN

HERE ARE MY FAVORITE LINES FROM THE BOOK:

abyss, n.

There are times when I doubt everything. When I regret

everything you’ve taken from me, everything I’ve given

you, and the waste of all the time I’ve spent on us.

aloof, adj.

It has always been my habit, ever since junior high

school, to ask that question:

“What are you thinking?”

It is always an act of desperation, and I keep on asking,

even though I know it will never work the way I

want it to.

arrears, n.

My faithfulness was as unthinking as your lapse.  Of all the things I thought would go wrong, I never thought it would be that.

“It was a mistake,” you said.  But the cruel thing was, it felt like the mistake was mine, and that the mistake was trusting you.

avant-garde, adj.

This was after Alisa’s show, the reverse-blackface rendition

of Gone With the Wind, including songs from the

Empire Records soundtrack and an interval of

nineteenth-century German poetry, recited with a lisp.

“What does avant-garde mean, anyway?” I asked.

“I believe it translates as favor to your friends,” you

replied.

basis, n.

There has to be a moment at the beginning when you

wonder whether you’re in love with the person or in love

with the feeling of love itself.

If the moment doesn’t pass, that’s it —– you’re done.

And if the moment does pass, it never goes that far.

It stands in the distance, ready for whenever you want it

back. Sometimes it’s even there when you thought you

were searching for something else, like an escape route,

or your lover’s face.

bolster, v.

I am very careful whenever I know you’re on the phone

with your father. I know you’ll come to me eventually,

and we’ll talk you through it. But I have to wait — you

need your time. In the meantime, I’m careful what songs

I play. I try to speak to you with my selections.

breathtaking, adj.

Those mornings when we kiss and surrender for an hour

before we say a single word.

catharsis, n.

I took it out on the wall.

I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. YOU FUCKER, I LOVE

YOU.

corrode, v.

I spent all this time building a relationship. Then one

night I left the window open, and it started to rust.

detachment, n.

I still don’t know if this is a good quality or a bad one, to

be able to be in the moment and then step out of it. Not

just during sex, or while talking, or kissing. I don’t deliberately

pull away — I don’t think I do — but I find myself

suddenly there on the outside, unable to lose myself in

where I am. You catch me sometimes. You’ll say I’m

drifting off, and I’ll apologize, trying to snap back to the

present.

But I should say this:

Even when I detach, I care. You can be separate from

a thing and still care about it. If I wanted to detach completely,

I would move my body away. I would stop the

conversation midsentence. I would leave the bed. Instead,

I hover over it for a second. I glance off in another

direction. But I always glance back at you.

dispel, v.

It was the way you said, “I have something to tell you.” I

could feel the magic drain from the room.

doldrums, n.

The proper verb for depression is sink.

dumbfounded, adj.

And still, for all the jealousy, all the doubt, sometimes I

will be struck with a kind of awe that we’re together.

That someone like me could find someone like you — it

renders me wordless. Because surely words would conspire

against such luck, would protest the unlikelihood

of such a turn of events.

I didn’t tell any of my friends about our first date. I

waited until after the second, because I wanted to make

sure it was real. I wouldn’t believe it had happened until

it had happened again. Then, later on, I would be overwhelmed

by the evidence, by all the lines connecting you

to me, and us to love.

elliptical, adj.

The kiss I like the most is one of the slow ones. It’s as

much breath as touch, as much no as yes. You lean in

from the side, and I have to turn a little to make it

happen.

fallible, adj.

I was hurt. Of course I was hurt. But in a perverse way, I

was relieved that you were the one who made the mistake.

It made me worry less about myself.

fraught, adj.

Does every “I love you” deserve an “I love you too”?

Does every kiss deserve a kiss back? Does every night

deserve to be spent on a lover?

If the answer to any of these is “No,” what do we do?

flux, n.

The natural state. Our moods change. Our lives change.

Our feelings for each other change. Our bearings

change. The song changes. The air changes. The temperature

of the shower changes.

Accept this. We must accept this.

healthy, adj.

There are times when I’m alone that I think, This is it.

This is actually the natural state. All I need are my

thoughts and my small acts of creation and my ability to

go or do whatever I want to go or do. I am myself, and

that is the point. Pairing is a social construction. It is by

no means necessary for everyone to do it. Maybe I’m

better like this. Maybe I could live my life in my own

world, and then simply leave it when it’s time to go.

hiatus, n.

“It’s up to you,” you said, the graciousness of the cheater

toward the cheatee.

I guess I don’t believe in a small break. I feel a break

is a break, and if it starts small, it only gets wider.

So I said I wanted you to stay, even though nothing

could stay the same.

ineffable, adj.

These words will ultimately end up being the barest of

reflections, devoid of the sensations words cannot convey.

Trying to write about love is ultimately like trying to

have a dictionary represent life. No matter how many

words there are, there will never be enough.

jerk, v.

“This has to stop,” I say. “You have to stop hurting me. I

can’t take it. I really can’t take it.”

“I know you can’t take it,” you say. “But is that really

my fault?”

I try to convince myself that it’s the alcohol talking.

But alcohol can’t talk. It just sits there. It can’t even get

itself out of the bottle.

“It is your fault,” I tell you. But you’ve already left the

room.

leery, adj.

Those first few weeks, after you told me, I wasn’t sure

we were going to make it. After working for so long on

being sure of each other, sure of this thing, suddenly we

were unsure again. I didn’t know whether or not to

touch you, sleep with you, have sex with you.

Finally, I said, “It’s over.”

love, n.

I’m not going to even try.

lover, n.

Oh, how I hated this word. So pretentious, like it was always

being translated from the French. The tint and

taint of illicit, illegitimate affections. Dictionary meaning:

a person having a love affair. Impermanent. Unfamilial.

Inextricably linked to sex.

I have never wanted a lover. In order to have a lover,

I must go back to the root of the word. For I have never

wanted a lover, but I have always wanted to love, and to

be loved.

There is no word for the recipient of the love. There

is only a word for the giver. There is the assumption that

lovers come in pairs.

When I say, Be my lover, I don’t mean, Let’s have an

affair. I don’t mean, Sleep with me. I don’t mean, Be my

secret.

I want us to go back down to that root.

I want you to be the one who loves me.

I want to be the one who loves you.

masochist, n.

If there wasn’t a word for it, would we realize our masochism

as much?

misgivings, n.

Last night, I got up the courage to ask you if you regretted

us.

“There are things I miss,” you said. “But if I didn’t

have you, I’d miss more.”

only, adj.

That’s the dilemma, isn’t it? When you’re single, there’s

the sadness and joy of only me. And when you’re paired,

there’s the sadness and joy of only you.

persevere, v.

Those first few weeks, after you told me, I wasn’t sure

we were going to make it. After working for so long on

being sure of each other, sure of this thing, suddenly we

were unsure again. I didn’t know whether or not to

touch you, sleep with you, have sex with you.

Finally, I said, “It’s over.”

You started to cry, and I quickly said, “No — I mean

this part is over. We have to get to the next part.”

posterity, n.

I try not to think about us growing old together, mostly

because I try not to think about growing old at all. Both

things — the years passing, the years together — are too

enormous to contemplate. But one morning, I gave in.

You were asleep, and I imagined you older and older.

Your hair graying, your skin folded and creased, your

breath catching. And I found myself thinking: If this

continues, if this goes on, then when I die, your memories

of me will be my greatest accomplishment. Your

memories will be my most lasting impression.

quixotic, adj.

Finally, I said, “It’s over.”

You started to cry, and I quickly said, “No — I mean

this part is over. We have to get to the next part.”

And you said, “I’m not sure we can.”

recant, v.

I want to take back at least half of the “I love you”s, because

I didn’t mean them as much as the other ones. I

want to take back the book of artsy photos I gave you,

because you didn’t get it and said it was hipster trash. I

want to take back what I said about you being an emotional

zombie. I want to take back the time I called you

“honey” in front of your sister and you looked like I had

just shown her pictures of us having sex. I want to take

back the wineglass I broke when I was mad, because it

was a nice wineglass and the argument would have

ended anyway. I want to take back the time we had sex

in a rent-a-car, not because I feel bad about the people

who got the car after us, but because it was massively

uncomfortable. I want to take back the trust I had while

you were away in Austin. I want to take back the time I

said you were a genius, because I was being sarcastic

and I should have just said you’d hurt my feelings. I

want to take back the secrets I told you so I can decide

now whether to tell them to you again. I want to take

back the piece of me that lies in you, to see if I truly miss

it. I want to take back at least half the “I love you”s, because

it feels safer that way.

reservation, n.

There are times when I worry that I’ve already lost myself.

That is, that my self is so inseparable from being

with you that if we were to separate, I would no longer

be. I save this thought for when I feel the darkest discontent.

I never meant to depend so much on someone

else.

retrospective, n.

I catch you checking out some guy on the street. This is

no big deal, because we both like to look at other people

when we’re walking around. But this time it’s not an observational

thrill on your face. You notice me noticing,

and you say, “He just looked like someone I know.”

A week later, we’re going through photographs, and

there he is, hiking through Appalachia with you. It

wasn’t him on the street, but it was definitely him on

your mind. I wonder why you said “someone I know” instead

of “someone I knew.”

Two days after that, I’m walking along alone, and I

see someone who looks like the someone who reminded

you of him. I feel the irrational desire to pull this

stranger aside and make sure he doesn’t know you.

stanchion, n.

I don’t want to be the strong one, but I don’t want to be

the weak one, either. Why does it feel like it’s always one

or the other? When we embrace, one of us is always

holding the other a little tighter.

tableau, n.

We go to visit two friends who’ve been together for ten

years now, five times longer than we have. I look at the

ease with which they sit together on the couch. They

joke with each other, get annoyed with each other, curl

into each other like apostrophes within a quotation

mark as they talk. I realize that two years is not a long

time. I realize that even ten years is not a long time. But

when it seems insurmountable, I need reminders like

this that you can get used to it. That it can take on the

comfort of the right choice. That lasting things do, in

fact, last.

tenet, n.

At the end of the French movie, the lover sings, “Love

me less, but love me for a long time.”

vagary, n.

The mistake is thinking there can be an antidote to the

uncertainty.

viable, adj.

I’ll go for a drink with friends after work, and even

though I have you, I still want to be desirable. I’ll fix my

hair as if it’s a date. I’ll check out the room along with

everyone else. If someone comes to flirt with me, I will

flirt back, but only up to a point. You have nothing to

worry about — it never gets further than the question

about where I live. And in New York, that’s usually the

second or third question. But for that first question,

where it still seems like it might be possible, I look for

that confirmation that if I didn’t have you, I’d still be a

person someone would want.

yearning, n. and adj.

At the core of this desire is the belief that everything can

be perfect.