2AM Thoughts

"Its too late, to stop pretending. Its too late for a new beginning." I can relate from Fra Lippo Lipi song, Later. Yes, Later than ever. I don't know why I'm sad. I can't even smile wholeheartedly. I can't even laugh from the bottom of my heart. I'm just asking God, "Why" why people hurt me? Why I am their favorite to intentionally hurt? I wonder why. I wonder how and why people easily gave up on me. I wonder why people doesn't like me. There are 7 billion people in the whole world but why there's none for me? I just want only one person out of those 7 billion to stay by my side even all else fails. The one that's brave to love me at my weakest. Am I not worthy enough to be loved? Am I ugly?

Maybe I'm just too much. Too much strong that's why no one ask me if I am okay. Okay, I believe I can handle this, I know I can. I hope someday I can meet a person that will love me unconditionally and will be proud to have me. The person that will love me when I'm about to forget to love myself, I thought I've already met that person. The day I told myself I am ready to give up something I'm holding on for 5 years, is also the day that somethings changing. I was about to give up someone just for someone but before I did that, it turns out that it will be a wrong move for me. So I decided to walk away from that person and go back to what I'm holding for 5 years. I asked myself why I allow myself to be hurt again. My wounds are not yet totally heal and here I am, keeping myself bleeding and trying to fix myself again. Trying to be numb again, trying to stand still even if I can't. I don't know why I don't deserve to be love the way I want to. Why love is so unfair? Why it keeps on hurting me? Well, as written on John Green's book, The Fault in our stars, "Pain demands to be felt." But why always? Especially when I am not totally healed?

Later, when I woke up, its another day again. Another day? I think not. Let me rephrase it, its the same day again. The same day I am alone. The same day I am in my silence. The same day I am with my music and my books. The same day that I will go somewhere just with myself. Maybe tomorrow I will go back to Manila just to walk there alone. Just to remember every  pain I felt whenever I'm going there. Also, I will eat alone, watch cinema alone and eat my favorite ice cream alone. Same old routine. I hope I'm getting used to it.