No don’t get me wrong, I believe in soul mates, I cry through Rom-coms, I hum all the love songs on a radio and I completely believe in fairytales.
I don’t have dysfunctional relationships around me, I’ve always had a good family and I have the nicest friends.
I’ve also been in love, at least that’s what I feel it was, and I’ve been in and out of my fair share of relationships and I would do it again.
People have made grand gestures for me, guys have gone all out and I’ve been through the whole list of “couple goals” comments on Instagram pictures with heartfelt captions. Basically meaningful emotions in terms of words and actions,
But when I say love is pure bullshit I mean that the term “LOVE” that is so easily thrown around, that people mean but fail to live up to, that people promise but walk away from. That term, I do not understand.
So if love is, being the best you can for another person while things are good and then sprinting, the minute things get bad, I don’t want that “love”.
If love exists one moment but fails to stay consistent through every other, then what I’m looking for shouldn’t be called love.
Let’s go find a new term.
A term that will mean a lot right now but in another 50 years, it’ll be thrown around like “love”.
I expected more from you; that is why I’m so disappointed. I put everything into trusting you from day one. It took everything I had to tear down the sky-high walls I built from past experiences – now you’re just another one of them.
I loved you unconditionally. You were the first person I ever opened up to without any hesitation. For you to teach me to regret this decision just reinforces my “trust issues,” which are the reason you wanted to leave, right?
But I’ve thought about it and I don’t regret meeting you. I don’t regret sharing myself or staying. The only thing I feel bad about is the time I could’ve spent built something with someone else, something that could actually last.
Yes, I admit; I had a day. It was a fucking bad day and I needed you to push things aside and comfort me, like I always did for you. I don’t think that’s selfish of me, you were the only person I wanted to talk to.
Instead, you ignored me. I’m not ungrateful, but this time I really needed you and you weren’t there. I might have been cold, but my intentions were to stop myself from saying something I’d end up having to apologize for. So let me tell you this: I still appreciate everything.
I’ve been angry, sad and emotional, but I try to remember the good things about you instead of just the day we lost it all. I’m not perfect. I’m trying to better myself, I’m growing, and I want to thank you for being part of that process, you have helped.
Aside from that day, you are a great, genuine, loving person and I can only hope to meet more people like you in the future, because that’s what I really need in my life.
I hate the fact that we left so much unsaid, and that you decided to walk away, without an explanation or a second thought. You left like I meant absolutely nothing to you, but I have given myself permission to forgive you for what you never apologized for. I need to recover from this, I need to be okay again, I need to be myself again.
I’ve waited for you to come back and realize what a mistake you made. I wanted you to fight for me; I wanted you to prove all my theories wrong. I wanted to be able to listen to sad songs without relating to them and I wanted to read all these articles about demolished friendships and wonder what the hell they’re talking about. I wanted the world to be good again with you in it. Instead, I stayed in bed for weeks.
I did nothing but cry all day and then I cried some more about how I let myself get so attached that my world fell apart when one person walked out. I still feel the warm tears coming to my eyes whenever I reread old conversations, it was so obvious how happy I was. But I don’t look at those anymore.
Here’s what I learned: people will leave and you’ll survive. I survived days when I didn’t want to even be alive. You’re going to hate this, but people you love the most are going to cause you the most hurt, it’s a fact. Forgive them when they do, even if you don’t get to see them or talk to them anymore, do it for you. You also shouldn’t wait on people to come back to claim you. They should’ve never left in the first place.
Now here’s what I didn’t want to admit to but eventually did, you had the right to leave. Everyone does I guess. The most important thing to me was that you were happy, and if you weren’t happy in my presence, then I’m hope you are now. I believe in people doing what makes them happy. Our time together, however short, I will always look back on with a smile on my face because at that time in my life you truly did make me glow. The things you have taught me, the memories, the inside jokes, I’ll never forget you.
I’m sorry I wasn’t what you wanted, but moreover I’m sorry you didn’t know how to love someone like me.
(c)
It was a captivating love story, cut short. There was so much passion and so much excitement. You finally felt free. You felt loved and they made you feel important.
They gave you feelings you've never felt before. There was an attraction and this connection that couldn't have been something ordinary.
You found someone who makes you feel wanted, needed, and appreciated. It's breathtaking. You feel like this is the way things should be. This is something that doesn't happen twice...
Then slowly things start to change.
They don't call as much as they use to. They don't reach for your hand as much anymore. You feel like their lips are full of secrets. They are gradually drifting away, without any warning.
You constantly feel like you've done something wrong. Then you feel like you aren't good enough anymore.
And it hurts like hell because you're not ready to let go.
Whatever it was, whether it was you or them, you want to get things back to the way they use to be. So you hold on. You hold on so tightly because this was it. This is what love is like, right?
This is something you question if you'll ever be able to relive again. You hold on so tightly because holding on makes you feel something, even if it's misery.
I want you to know, that love isn't like this. Love never stops making you feel valuable. Love never makes you feel uncertainty or question if you are still loved. Love makes the hard times worth going through.
Love is never giving up on someone. Love is never making someone feel unworthy, useless, or unlovable. Love is holding on, but its holding on together. Not at the last strands of the relationship.
I want you to feel these things. I hope you believe that you will find something better than anything you're still holding on to.
When the memories start to exceed the reality, it's time to let go.
When you start to question your worth by someone's lack of effort, it's time to let go.
When you feel like you're being broken down constantly by their expectations of you, it's time to let go.
When you feel like you're continually being used time after time, it's time to let go.
When you feel like you are not just being ignored but unappreciated, it's time to let go.
When there are more lies than the truth, it's time to let go.
When they turn things back on you rather than admit their mistakes, it's time to let go.
When you are again after again not placed as a priority, it's time to let go.
When you're laying in a bed next to this person and you start to question why you're still here, it's time to let go.
It's hard when you can't place anyone above them, but they can easily put other people and other things before you. This is a difficult decision, but it is one only you can make.
I am a firm believer in fighting for what you love, but love never makes you feel less than who you are.
©
