2AM thoughts

Tonight, I asked God, why I'm holding on to someone who isn't mine, whom I can't call mine. With tears running down my cheeks, I fell asleep and then I dream of you. I was crying on my dream and then you hug me and tell me you love me and you're mine. I keep on crying in my dream and I thought it's all for real then suddenly, my phone rings, and its you who's calling. After the ring, you text me a goodnight message. I cried. It's because I realize nothing. For those fucking 1 month we're apart how come I didn't realized something? You're still the same guy who broke my heart and break even more today, you're still the same guy that's the reason why I'm still crying everynight.

Nothing change. Still, your efforts are not consistent. I was traumatized of how you left me and someday, I hope I can see some improvements from you. If none, I hope that day, I'll be brave enought to face the truth and to surrender the battle I keep on fighting for, for a very long time. I love you and I'll always will.

006

Hi. After 6years pinagupitan ko yung buhok ko. Ang ikli na. Dati kahit 1 inch lang takot na akong ipabawas ngayon, hindi ako nag dalawang isip pabawasan kahit gaano pa kaikli yan. Noon, hindi ako naniniwala at nakokornihan ako doon sa mga nagpapagupit kapag nabroken hearted. Sabi ko pa nga nun, bakit nila dinadamay yung buhok. Ngayon, totoo pala. Hahaha! Darating pala ako sa point na yung buhok pala yung mapagtitripan mo kapag malungkot ka. Huling pagupit ko nung iniwan din ako nung naging jowa ko nung high school. Hindi ko akalain na mauulit pa pala yun. Grabe noh? Sobra pala akong nasasaktan. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, magiging palatandaan to ng sakit na nararamdaman ko ngayon kapag humaba na to ibig sabihin matagal na mula nung nasaktan ako ng sobra. Ang tindi mo! :) yung isa sa pinakamahalaga sakin ngayon balewala na.

005

Mahal. Namimiss kita. Sobrang bigat ng pakiramdam ko ngayon. Mukha mo yung nakikita ko sa lahat ng tao. Yung mga bagay at lugar na nagpapaalala sa akin sayo, naiiyak ako. Kanina, nagpunta ako ako may Boni-MRT kasi may interview ako doon, alam mo naalala kita. Tuwing hinihintay mo ako sa MRT yung kumakaway kapa sa taas na nakangiti tapos yayakapin ako pag andyan na ako. Yung mga moment na kumakain tayo sa MRT station ng Fried noodles na paborito natin bago tayo sumakay ng bus pauwi at kapag maaga pa, tumatambay muna tayo doon tapos nagkukwentuhan, yung waiting area ng Boni Station kung saan madalas tayong pumwesto kapag nag aaway tayo, doon din yung pwesto kung saan hinihintay mo akong makasakay at nakangiti kapa pag sasakay na ako at magbababye ka. Mahal ko, napakahirap. Nakikita ko lahat yun kanina at umiiyak ako. Ang sakit. Kasi naging memories nalang siya ngayon.

Ang saya ko ng konti. Nireplyan mo kasi ako. Kahit maliit na bagay lang yon, happy ako. Ingat ka sa hiking mo ha? Salamat honey.

004

Mahal, ngayong araw na to dinelete ko na yung picture natin sa featured photo ko sa facebook. Ang hirap honeyko :'( pero kailangan ko tong gawin.

003

Happy Graduation! Graduate ka nangayon. Nakita uli kita.Ang gwapo mo  talaga. Ang saya ko nakita kitang grumaduate, ang saya ko, kasi ang sayasaya mo. Nakamayan kita pero mukhang  di ka naman masayang makita ako. Ok lang :) naiintindihan ko. Napaka distant mo sa akin, ok lang sanay na ako. Tinupad ko lang talaga pangako ko sayo noon. Na kahit anong mangyare, pupunta ako sa graduation mo. Yun na yung huli Yvan. Na gagawin kong kawawa at tanga sarili ko sa harap mo at sa harap ng maraming taong nakakakilala saken. Tatanggapin ko. Kasi hulina to. Dito na nagtatapos ang pagiging girlfriend ko sayo. Tinupad ko na yung pangako ko.

Salamat sa pag akbay mo sakin. Kinilig ako ng slight. Ang bango mo. Naramdaman ko nanaman yung yakap mo. Habang kumakain ka, sinusulyapan kita. Ang gwapo mo talaga. Yang mukhang yan namamimis ko ng sobra sobra. Yung mukhang matititigan ko sa huling pagkakataon. Hindi ko alam kung kailan pa ang susunod. Mahal, mahal na mahal kita. Habang nakatingin ako sayo, masayang Masaya ako kasi alam kong masaya ka sa narating mo ngayon.

Mahal. Ito na yung huli. Marahil ito na talaga yung huling pagkakataong makikita mong nagpapakatanga ako sa iyo. Pagod na ako Mahal ko. Pahinga na muna ako.

002

"Tanga mo"

"Bobo mo"

"Stupida ka"

"Hindi ka na niya mahal"

"Wag ka ng umasa"

"Nakakaawa ka"

"Nakakasawa na mga kwento mo"

"Moveon na"

At marami pang iba.Ganyan nila ako pag sabihan ngayong araw.Mga linyang yan na tumatak sa isip ko. Di ko namalayang umiiyak na pala akosa bus. Depressed na ako. Down na down na ako. Masakit marinig na sinasabihan ako ng ganyan kaso wala akong magawa kundi mahalin ka parin.

001

Ayan tinanggal ko na yung singsing. Yung sing sing na simbolo ng pagsisimula ng lovestory natin. Napakasignificant  satin  ng singsing na yun. Ilang beses ng muntikang mawala pero bumabalik parin. Ngayon, sinadya ko na. Sinadya kong tanggalin para masanay ako. Parang yung sitwasyon ko, na gusto ko masanay akong wala ka na. Ay hindi ko pala gusto, kailangan ko. Kailangan ko para hindi nadin kita kulitin.

May 5, 2016

Why life always do this to me? Why I can’t be happy as I want to be? It’s been 5 months since I became miserable like this. Why the heck this life always pissed me off? Everything in my life is in a mess right now. My life has nothing to offer but loneliness. I can’t take this anymore. I really don’t want to live in this life that’s full of mess. No one knows what I’m struggling right now. All they knew is I’m happy, I’m alright, I’m peaceful. But the truth is, behind those smile, is the woman who cries herself at night just to fall asleep, a woman who’s in her own battlefield, a woman who’s heart is broken but still can be able to smile, a woman who’s heart is overloaded of sadness but can still be able to offer a help, a woman who cannot solve her own problem but can still manage to solve her friends problem. I always asked God “WHY”. Indeed, I can’t take this anymore. I’m emotionally and mentally dead. It’s been 5 months since I felt this and nothing change every day. When I woke up, everything gets worst. No one stay beside me. I’m depressed. I really can’t take this anymore. I wanna die.

An open-letter to my Mr. Almost

To Mr. Almost,

Hi good day! I saw you last Wednesday, May 4, 2016. I’m sitting at RTU’s promenade, waiting for my friends and then to my shock, I saw you. You’re still a handsome guy I’ve met 5 years ago. When I saw you, my heart beats faster and louder. I ran to chase you (even if I’m wearing high heels) and there! I called you “hon” and our eyes met. I fall inlove with you again. It’s like our first meeting at RTU’s OB Gym way back 6 years ago. Yes, I still remember the first time we’ve met. And then I follow you at the computer shop, I’m so happy because you’re sitting beside me. You’re on your way home and still, I keep on following you. I don’t wanna missed the chance having you here again, in front of me.

You’re mad. I know you are. I can see it in your eyes that’s why you didn’t wanna talk to me. I remember those memories on this road we used to take for 4 years. Those times we’re walking, holding hands and laughing. I also remember the first time you sent me to the terminal, it’s the same road we’re crossing today but now, everything is different between us. Those couple whose happily inlovewalkig by on that street, now, they we’re strangers again. You didn’t talk to me & whenever I asked questions you keep on telling me we don’t need to talk. I followed you until you ride a bus. I still begged for an answer “why did you leave me” and then you said you didn’t love me anymore and i don’t deserve you. I was crying in the whole trip because I didn’t believe of what you’ve said. I can see it in your eyes honey. Maybe your love for me seems fading but I know there’s still love even a little. Your eyes can’t lie. I asked you if I can hug you and you allow me. I was so very happy and yet emotional. I was crying as I hug you because I’m longing for you so much. For almost a month here you are. I’m hugging you so tight. I miss you so bad, I do really miss you that’s why I hugged you so tight and wish if we could stay for that moment and never last. I really miss you and I don’t wanna let go of that warm embrace. Your smell, your body that I was longing for, oh man! You’re driving me crazy again. After that, I saw you sleeping. I keep on starring at you and talk to myself “damn! This man is my world. My whole world and I can’t imagine myself not growing old with him”

As I stare at you, I knew in my heart that it was you. It was you I will marry someday, it was you who will be the father of my children, it was you whom I could spent my lifetime with. I knew it in my heart that someday, when God’s time happen, a perfect time rather, I know our paths will cross again. Maybe today we need to grow apart, maybe today we need to find ourselves, maybe today we need to be responsible on our own and someday when the right time comes, I know, I do know that it’s still you I will be seeing in front of the altar. I have this faith that it is still you and me till the end. I’ll be waiting for you Mr. Almost! Take care always because I know we’ll get married someday. I love you! See you at our wedding day!