5 Ways To Pick The Right One

1. Marry someone nicer than you.

If you’re a narcissistic a-hole like most people, pick a fish with a better attitude than you. If you’re a self-involved pessimist (who isn’t?) get yourself a good-looking optimist who is also a good swimmer. If you’re a pretty decent person, despite the habit of picking fights when you’re drunk and a mountain of student loans, marry someone with no debt who still loves you when you regain consciousness in the morning. Marry someone who likes animals and is nice to kids, even if you’re not particularly fond of cats or kids. Marry someone who likes your family even if you’re family is messed up. Marry someone who makes you coffee and kisses your neck to wake you up in the morning. Marry someone kind, and who will be kind to you ad infinitum.

2. Marry someone interesting.

If you are not going to be a divorce statistic, interesting is important. People who are interested in things are interesting. Only boring people are bored. Marry the one you have a shared interest with or marry the one whose interests you respect and admire. Passion is a turn on. Passionate people inspire passion. Don’t marry Boring; it will eventually bore the shit out of you both. You want to live a passionate, inspiring life? Marry someone interesting and good in the sack.

3. Marry your best friend.

Marry the person you trust the most in the world. Marry the person who gives a shit about what happens in the course of your days here on earth. Some study somewhere has indicated that if you marry your best friend, you have a better shot at a happy marriage. For most people, happiness is hard. It’s ephemeral and challenging. It’s the ecstasy of the moment, and the agony of most other moments. Marry the person you want by your side to face the fucked up things and the one you want by your side to enjoy the beautiful things.

4. Marry someone who is good in bed.

Marry someone who wants to have sex approximately as much as you do, whether you’re a sex-obsessed perv or you’re only moderately interested in it on a daily basis (you think about screwing 45 times a day versus 145 times a day). What happens under the covers makes the world a tolerable place. Marry someone who is a good kisser and knows how to give good head, and by good head, I’m mean he knows how to use his tongue or she knows how to bob and weave with her mouth. There’s nothing that makes you feel more bliss than a blinding orgasm. Whether you make love with a lot of eye contact or hump like bunnies, marry someone you want to get into bed with and do some recreational screwing.

5. Marry someone who is madly in love with you.

Marry someone you are madly in love with. There should be some mad love in there somewhere. Marry the one who unabashedly says “I love you.” Marry the one who texts, “I miss you, baby” even though it’s the middle of the afternoon snore at work. Marry the one who smooths back your hair sometimes when you’re hungover and Netflixing on the couch. Marry the one who loves you even though you can be a self-involved a-hole sometimes. Marry the one who makes you laugh and gives you mind-numbing orgasms and who doesn’t mind doing the laundry four weeks in a row. Marry the one you love so much, you’ll do the laundry four weeks in a row. Marry the one who is the home and heart you never want to leave.




(c)

If You Look At Her And Don’t Feel Blessed, Let Her Go

If you don’t see the radiant light that she gives off when she’s doing even the simplest things, let her go.

If you don’t see the way her smile can change the moods of others around her, let her go.

If the sound of her laugh doesn’t bring you joy, let her go.

If you don’t feel blessed to have her in your life, through the good and the bad times, let her go because she is not your blessing to have.

She is another man’s blessing and you are holding her back from what she truly deserves.

When you love her you have to love all of her, you can’t pick and pull at the pieces you love and try to manipulate and change the rest of her. That is not how love works.

You have to look at the woman in front of you and love all of her.

You have to love how she changes her mind 10 times before she resorts back to her original plan. You have to love how she’s always five minutes late because she couldn’t get her hair to curl just right. You have to love how she forgets to turn the stove off after she cooks dinner. You have to love all her flaws because they are part of who she is and you can’t change that.

Because the same woman who is forgetting to turn the stove off is the one who’s cooking you dinner. Because the same woman who is curling her hair to get it just right is not only doing it to make herself feel good, but also to look good by your side.

Everything she does, she does partially for you, for your sake and your happiness. She loves you with her whole heart and will go the extra mile just to see your face light up with a smile.

She is willing to make sacrifices for you and she is willing to adjust her lifestyle to fit you in and make you comfortable because she knows true love is about sacrifice.

She knows true love isn’t only about loving each other’s strengths but also each other’s weaknesses.

 So if you don’t love her weaknesses like she loves yours you have to let her go.

This girl is a blessing, she’s a true blessing and everyone around you can see that, and if you don’t it’s time you let her go.

It will crush her that you couldn’t love her the way she loves you, but it will free her to find someone who will give her the appropriate attention she deserves. Someone who will cherish her and love all of her, despite how indecisive she may be.

If you look at her and you don’t feel blessed, you need to let her go because she is not your blessing, she is someone else’s and it isn’t fair for you to hold on to her when you know she could have better.

“LOVE” is bullshit

No don’t get me wrong, I believe in soul mates, I cry through Rom-coms, I hum all the love songs on a radio and I completely believe in fairytales.

I don’t have dysfunctional relationships around me, I’ve always had a good family and I have the nicest friends.

I’ve also been in love, at least that’s what I feel it was, and I’ve been in and out of my fair share of relationships and I would do it again.

People have made grand gestures for me, guys have gone all out and I’ve been through the whole list of “couple goals” comments on Instagram pictures with heartfelt captions. Basically meaningful emotions in terms of words and actions,

But when I say love is pure bullshit I mean that the term “LOVE” that is so easily thrown around, that people mean but fail to live up to, that people promise but walk away from. That term, I do not understand.

So if love is, being the best you can for another person while things are good and then sprinting, the minute things get bad, I don’t want that “love”.

If love exists one moment but fails to stay consistent through every other, then what I’m looking for shouldn’t be called love.

Let’s go find a new term.

A term that will mean a lot right now but in another 50 years, it’ll be thrown around like “love”.

YOU HURT ME BUT IT MADE ME STRONGER

I expected more from you; that is why I’m so disappointed. I put everything into trusting you from day one. It took everything I had to tear down the sky-high walls I built from past experiences – now you’re just another one of them. I loved you unconditionally. You were the first person I ever opened up to without any hesitation. For you to teach me to regret this decision just reinforces my “trust issues,” which are the reason you wanted to leave, right?

But I’ve thought about it and I don’t regret meeting you. I don’t regret sharing myself or staying. The only thing I feel bad about is the time I could’ve spent built something with someone else, something that could actually last.

Yes, I admit; I had a day. It was a fucking bad day and I needed you to push things aside and comfort me, like I always did for you. I don’t think that’s selfish of me, you were the only person I wanted to talk to. Instead, you ignored me. I’m not ungrateful, but this time I really needed you and you weren’t there. I might have been cold, but my intentions were to stop myself from saying something I’d end up having to apologize for. So let me tell you this: I still appreciate everything. I’ve been angry, sad and emotional, but I try to remember the good things about you instead of just the day we lost it all. I’m not perfect. I’m trying to better myself, I’m growing, and I want to thank you for being part of that process, you have helped.

Aside from that day, you are a great, genuine, loving person and I can only hope to meet more people like you in the future, because that’s what I really need in my life. I hate the fact that we left so much unsaid, and that you decided to walk away, without an explanation or a second thought. You left like I meant absolutely nothing to you, but I have given myself permission to forgive you for what you never apologized for. I need to recover from this, I need to be okay again, I need to be myself again.

I’ve waited for you to come back and realize what a mistake you made. I wanted you to fight for me; I wanted you to prove all my theories wrong. I wanted to be able to listen to sad songs without relating to them and I wanted to read all these articles about demolished friendships and wonder what the hell they’re talking about. I wanted the world to be good again with you in it. Instead, I stayed in bed for weeks.

I did nothing but cry all day and then I cried some more about how I let myself get so attached that my world fell apart when one person walked out. I still feel the warm tears coming to my eyes whenever I reread old conversations, it was so obvious how happy I was. But I don’t look at those anymore. Here’s what I learned: people will leave and you’ll survive. I survived days when I didn’t want to even be alive. You’re going to hate this, but people you love the most are going to cause you the most hurt, it’s a fact. Forgive them when they do, even if you don’t get to see them or talk to them anymore, do it for you. You also shouldn’t wait on people to come back to claim you. They should’ve never left in the first place.

Now here’s what I didn’t want to admit to but eventually did, you had the right to leave. Everyone does I guess. The most important thing to me was that you were happy, and if you weren’t happy in my presence, then I’m hope you are now. I believe in people doing what makes them happy. Our time together, however short, I will always look back on with a smile on my face because at that time in my life you truly did make me glow. The things you have taught me, the memories, the inside jokes, I’ll never forget you.

I’m sorry I wasn’t what you wanted, but moreover I’m sorry you didn’t know how to love someone like me.







(c)

Read this: If you're holding on to someone you shouldn't

It was a captivating love story, cut short. There was so much passion and so much excitement. You finally felt free. You felt loved and they made you feel important. 

They gave you feelings you've never felt before. There was an attraction and this connection that couldn't have been something ordinary.

You found someone who makes you feel wanted, needed, and appreciated. It's breathtaking. You feel like this is the way things should be. This is something that doesn't happen twice...

Then slowly things start to change. 

They don't call as much as they use to. They don't reach for your hand as much anymore. You feel like their lips are full of secrets. They are gradually drifting away, without any warning. 

You constantly feel like you've done something wrong. Then you feel like you aren't good enough anymore. 

And it hurts like hell because you're not ready to let go. 

Whatever it was, whether it was you or them, you want to get things back to the way they use to be. So you hold on. You hold on so tightly because this was it. This is what love is like, right? 

This is something you question if you'll ever be able to relive again. You hold on so tightly because holding on makes you feel something, even if it's misery. 

I want you to know, that love isn't like this. Love never stops making you feel valuable. Love never makes you feel uncertainty or question if you are still loved. Love makes the hard times worth going through. 

Love is never giving up on someone. Love is never making someone feel unworthy, useless, or unlovable. Love is holding on, but its holding on together. Not at the last strands of the relationship. 

I want you to feel these things. I hope you believe that you will find something better than anything you're still holding on to. 

When the memories start to exceed the reality, it's time to let go.

When you start to question your worth by someone's lack of effort, it's time to let go.

When you feel like you're being broken down constantly by their expectations of you, it's time to let go.

When you feel like you're continually being used time after time, it's time to let go.

When you feel like you are not just being ignored but unappreciated, it's time to let go. 

When there are more lies than the truth, it's time to let go. 

When they turn things back on you rather than admit their mistakes, it's time to let go. 

When you are again after again not placed as a priority, it's time to let go. 

When you're laying in a bed next to this person and you start to question why you're still here, it's time to let go. 

It's hard when you can't place anyone above them, but they can easily put other people and other things before you. This is a difficult decision, but it is one only you can make. 

I am a firm believer in fighting for what you love, but love never makes you feel less than who you are.

© 

Maybe I'm not over him yet, but maybe I don't want to be

I’ve been told I feel too much, that I love too hard, that I jump in too fast and hold on too long. I sound like a train wreck, like a mess of feelings that no one could ever handle, but I don’t think that’s the truth. The truth is, I have a big heart and I’m really not ashamed of it.

The truth is, I’m not over him yet.

And maybe I don’t want to be.

See, the world will think I’m crazy for not moving on, for not diving back into another relationship, for not getting under another guy, for not involving myself in a string of long-winded, unlabeled meaningless attachments that are exactly that—meaningless.

But I’m not that kind of girl.

See, I’ve finally decided to embrace it. The feelings, the emotions, the heart that’s almost always bursting out of my chest.

I don’t think I’m weak for still caring about someone I used to love. I don’t think I’m crazy for not being over him.

There’s no specific time span for moving on. There’s not a set of rules I must follow, or checkpoints I must meet. I’m not a damn psycho, cyberstalking each of my exes’ every moves. I’m not holding onto pieces of them, reminding myself everyday of what I’ve lost. Realistically, I’m living my life, but when I’m reminded of someone from my past, I don’t push the thought out of my head.

I embrace it. I remember. I feel.

I’m not going to lie, especially not to myself. I’m not over it yet. I’m not over the sound of his laughter, the way he made me smile. I’m not over the little reminders of him in the pages of my notebooks, in the pictures on my bedroom walls, in the little town where we once fell in love.

But I don’t have to be over all that just yet.

And maybe I don’t want to be.

Maybe I want to allow myself the freedom of feeling, of acknowledging that love is real, and that love takes time to grow from, to heal from, to let go of.

There’s no point in pretending I don’t care, and I didn’t care. Because I did. Because I do. Because I probably always will.

Not in the sense of wanting him back, not in the sense of crying over him every single night, not in the sense of keeping myself stuck in one place, and stuck on missing him.

Just because I haven’t moved on doesn’t mean that I’m still sitting here, wishing for us to be in love.

It just means I’m not going to pretend, not going to jump into something I’m not ready for, not going to sleep with someone just because the world is pushing me to. That’s not me. It won’t ever be me.

I’ll feel. I’ll remember. I’ll think about that person and smile with our memories.

I’m not ready to move on, to forever put him behind me, to never think about him or wonder how he’s doing, even months and years along the road.

I don’t want him back.But I don’t want to pretend he never existed.

Because love is real to me, and I feel it deeply.
And there’s no sense in lying, and pretending I don’t.

©

Someone you deserve

I used to wonder about people coming back after they’ve decided to leave. I used to wait for the day they come back and realize that they messed up or realize that life is miserable without me. But then I realized that better than all this mess is someone who never leaves.

Someone who never leaves when you hit bumps in the road, someone who never leaves when the rain starts falling down on you, someone who never leaves no matter how many other people are trying to get their attention, someone who chooses to stay every single day.

You deserve someone who never leaves when you tell them about the things you did that you’re ashamed of and the things that happened to you that you promised not to tell anyone. When you tell them about the things you really don’t like about yourself and the things you hated about your past. You deserve someone who never leaves no matter how dark it gets.

You deserve someone who never leaves when you tell them how much you love them, how much you really want to make them happy and how they make you feel something no else made you feel before. How they are special to you and how you really just want to spend your days looking at them and spend your nights sleeping in their arms.

You deserve someone who stays no matter how passionately you display your love and how fearlessly you show your emotions. You deserve someone who is not afraid of the way you love them.

You deserve someone who never leaves even if they found a better job or made more money or bought a fancier car. Someone who never leaves when they’re at their best, when they can get anyone they want but still choose you, when they don’t even care about exploring all these other ‘options’ to realize your worth because they know what they have and they know that you are one of a kind. You deserve someone who makes you believe that some people can stay.

You deserve someone who never leaves when things are not that exciting, when life becomes overwhelming for you to handle, when you are tired all the time, when you’re lost and confused and don’t know what to do next, when you keep doubting yourself and your capabilities. You deserve someone who reminds you of how you survived, someone who reminds you of your strength, someone who reminds you of your greatness and someone who reminds you that even though you can make it on your own, they want to be there, they don’t want you to be alone this time and they want to fight your battles with you. 

Even though we all have that one person we wish could come back, what we really should wish for is someone who never leaves. Someone who left before could leave again but someone who could’ve left but decided to stay is exactly the kind of person you need to be with – is exactly the kind of person you deserve to be with.

A Letter To The Man I Love, From The Woman He Kept On The Side

I love you. You know that, I know. But do you know what kind of love it is? My love for you is that gut-wrenching, soul-scarring, don’t want to be without you but will adapt if I have to be without you, kind of love. It’s the kind of love that is unexplainable: he wasn’t my type, he isn’t that nice, but I don’t know how and why it happened and I’m sure I will never again feel anything like it. I’ve described it in a way that emphasizes its feeling but the feelings aren’t always good.

I feel like I love without having anyone to actually love. I am an option when you’ve always been my choice. Love is in the little things, my darling, and all I receive are spoken “I love you”s but where are your acts of love? Your mistakes are always forgiven, your brushing off my wants is always “fine” but they are not. With each unfulfilled promise or request I die a little. Not only do I question my worth when I know all I can offer I also see myself sacrificing too much for occasional scraps. I know that it is partly my fault for allowing this but I always hope you’re listening and will take my feelings and desires into consideration and give me what we both know that I deserve.

Every day I sacrifice my wants and come to a standstill while your life continues. As you build what I so much want with you with someone else. As you share experiences that I want to share with you. As you watch your child grow, I wait for my turn, a turn that may never come; because I am aware of the happenings in your life but are you? Does she know that you love someone else and that you’ve made promises of a life without her? I bet not. I’m tired of waiting for a turn I didn’t have to wait for in the first place because at one point it was and could’ve continued to be mine.

I can’t be that girl you’re sure will always be there for you. I can’t be your escape from a relationship we both know is damned. I won’t keep harvesting pain when I can live free of it. Every day I wait for that courageous act of love that for me comes naturally. I wait for the day you’ll tell me everything has been resolved and we could finally be together. That despite all the “stuff” you would bring into our relationship we are able to work it out.

I can think of all the ways we can make it work and I know it won’t be perfect but behind this wishful thinking, I am reminded of the little things that equate to love that never came or happened. The undelivered graduation flowers, the ignored calls and texts, the movie we didn’t see, the shutting me out. These little unperformed acts of love that show me there is no effort in making a place for me in your life. A place I shouldn’t have to scavenge for. I won’t give you an ultimatum because in the end it’s my choice: to wait for something that may never happen or to walk away and regret not risking it all but I have risked it all now it’s your turn. If you really do love me so much, you shouldn’t let me go and if you don’t, I rather be alone than being alone while “in love.” So today I’m taking the first step in not being “the girl that waits.” I just hope whatever movie I see is worth the awkwardness of going to the theater alone











(c)

To The Boy Who Emotionally Destroyed Me

I want you to imagine this: a girl sitting on her bedroom floor, dry-heaving, her body convulsing with each failed attempt at silencing the sobs, banging her fists onto the ground as she tried to make sense of it all. Now, I want you imagine my face because that girl was me, and I was never good enough for you. I was constantly coming second to dozens of other girls. You made me feel completely worthless. You emotionally ruined me.

I don’t hate you, though. Instead I want to thank you.

Despite it taking me months, I finally realized that it wasn’t me not being good enough for you, but you not being good enough for me. These words have resonated with me for some time, and I am constantly reminding myself that I deserve better than the distorted perception of love that was handed to me on a tarnished silver platter. I deserve better than being ignored, I deserve better than being manipulated, and I deserve better than you.

I know I’m not the same girl that was on my bedroom floor that night, because I would never give someone complete power over me where I lost control; complete power over me where I felt I was worthless.

I know you’re a good person, but next time you ask yourself what it was you ever did to me I want you to think of the girl crying on her bedroom floor.

I was consumed by nothing but negativity, and for a while I thought you were my only source of light. I was drowning and every single day I woke up and hoped your hand would pull me up to the surface and save me. I was wrong. That night was the night I realized your hand was never there to save me, but instead there to push me deeper below the surface. The only hand I needed was my own.

You were my darkness and it took me too long to realize this.

I want you to think of the girl that couldn’t sleep because the nightmares were worse than reality, which had become her own personal hell. I want you to think of the girl who couldn’t eat because she had no appetite from the anxiety caused from thinking she did something wrong. I want you to think of the girl who hated herself so much she had to force herself to get up in the morning, only to crawl back into bed hours later. I want you to think of the girl who had countless silent breakdowns, hoping her parents wouldn’t hear. I want you to think of all the things you never saw, all the things you never experienced, all the things that were kept hidden.

And now I want you to think of the person I have become, and I want you to know that I am thankful for you creating a monster. I’m no longer a monster, and I no longer have to force happiness. No more do I have to seek validation from others that I am worthy. I am thankful you were a part of my life, because you became the best & worst thing to happen to me.

I do hope you’re happy, and just know I don’t regret you. I would never wish for you to experience the same hell as me, I just wish you the same happiness that I can finally experience every day. Thank you for engulfing me in darkness, thank you for helping me grow, and thank you for pushing me further below the surface. Too many great things have come from that darkness. Too many great things have come from you.













(c)

I want to be with someone

I want to try with someone who loves me enough to try with me. I want to grow old looking at the same face every morning. I want to grow old looking at the same face every night at the dinner table. I want to be one of those old couples you see still holding hands and laughing after fifty years of marriage. That's what I want. I want to be someone's forever.

The Art Of Being Yourself (Even If A Lurking Voice Inside Your Mind Disapproves)

Wronophobia:
(n.) The fear of being seen as you are. The incessant thinking that you can’t be loved being yourself.

As I sat down, trying to put my story into words, I was overwhelmed. I came to the realisation that I’ve never liked who I was. I grew up, believing that I lacked something; that I was inadequate, flawed and wrong in some way. I didn’t think I was lovable or good enough just the way I was. In a young age I experienced how my behaviour was linked to my likability. I saw how people reacted with love and appreciation, if I followed the rules, was manageable, pleasing and complying. I learned, that I could manipulate, and adjust myself to gain more praise and become whatever I thought would be most appealing. This strategy worked wonders for many years. I was happy, easy-going and in control. I had a great life, with everything seemingly figured out. But underneath the surface, reigned the diminishing belief that I couldn’t be loved being myself, and that I somehow needed to compensate for that.

Most of my life, has been a devastating struggle. Trying to be more than I was, because being myself was not an option. I was running around, short of breath, trying to lose my own shadow, striving to be someone I wasn’t, engaging in things I didn’t care about, to impress people I didn’t know. It was a restless thrust forward driven by the applause instead of the cause. I was pushing myself, to be persistently achieving something to conceal my underlying low self-esteem, poor self-image and general deficiencies. I was hiding behind flawless and overcompensating behavior with a patchwork of identities, ceaselessly changing like a chameleon to meet the shifting expectations of my surroundings. I became a selfless people-pleaser with an insatiable thirst for outside acceptance and admiration.

As I grew older, my expectations to myself and my life proliferated into unreasonable demands and delusional ideals of perfection. I was convinced that I had to change myself to be loved. I had to hide my flaws and smooth out my edges, deny my feelings and pretend to be different. The fear of being unloved, unwanted, unattractive and unworthy was just too great to overcome. So I separated myself from the parts I couldn’t accept by spurning the ugly, flawed, crooked and inconvenient parts. I had initiated a quiet but detrimental war against myself, battling to shape and oppress aspects of my core that I feared would be objectionable. Split between who I was, and who I thought I should be, I ended up alienated from myself, cloistered in a hollow and artificial shell, distant from my genuine feelings and true identity.

The consistent self-rejection persisted for many years, but what began as an innocent wish to be accepted, evolved into a disabling fear to disappoint, fail and be exposed as who I really was. It was like living with a shattering secret. I knew that the girl people liked and admired, was not the real me. She was only who I wanted to be, and what I wanted others to see. The real me was never good enough, pretty enough or capable enough. My self-esteem was like an empty bucket I desperately scooped worth into only to realize there was a big hole in the bottom leaking it all out quicker than I could fill it up. I didn’t know how to value, or validate myself so I became addicted to the reassurance and approval of others to neutralize my recurring self-sabotaging thoughts. But the more people said I was amazing, the more I felt like a fraud. The discontent I felt towards myself was like a virus poisoning me from the inside out. I was excessively self-conscious, and purposefully blowing my own mistakes out of proportion. I had a cynical demon inside me feeding on my flaws and every imperfection was just confirming what I already knew: I was completely wrong and utterly flawed in any- and every possible way. Inadequate and unimportant. Simple as that. I had accepted my wrongness as a fundamental fact. Indisputable like gravity, there was no way around it.

I was burying myself in self-resentment, and the yearning to feel confident, significant and special became all-consuming. But my unrelenting self-doubt made me susceptible to comparison and competition. I compared myself to others, only to point out my own lack. People just served as a benchmark for my own worth, telling me how good or bad I was. I could list a thousand things that I was failing to do, be or accomplish. My worth as a human being became a fleeting thing that changed minute to minute depending on who I was around and the changing whims of my mind. It was like building a castle of confidence in sand, only to see it being swept away by the next ocean wave.

The process of comparison solely lead to desperation, and left me in a permanent state of scarcity and dissatisfaction. I was condemning myself for not being able to live up to my unattainable ideals. But no matter how hard I tried to fix myself, push myself, or be better than others, I always fell short. I was impossible to please and impress and I chose to turn that boiling frustration inwards. It was like being in an abusive relationship with myself, where motivating and berating were two sides of the same coin. But shame and self-abuse didn’t tame the demons, if anything they only fueled the fire; a fire that got out of hand, the moment I found comfort in addictive and compulsive behavior. I chose to drug myself with food to alleviate the disappointment and hate I felt towards myself. Binge eating brought me into a trancelike state of perfect tranquillity; allowing me to temporarily vanish into oblivion. In those moments I was free. I was trying to escape the miserable reality I had created, but the consolation of the eating disorders was short-termed and only brought with it a craving for more. The escapism completely shattered my grip on reality. I couldn’t tell whether I was hungry, sleepy, happy or cold. As if my tastebuds suddenly went numb leaving me unable to distinguish sweet from sour. I was aware of my self-destruction, but ultimately I didn’t care anymore. I was trapped in a perpetuating circle of imploding powerlessness that had me spinning so fast, I couldn’t see clear anymore. I couldn’t see the point in living and the meaninglessness was like a dense fog threatening to choke me. I had ignored every danger sign and I was steadily pushing myself over the precipice towards an inescapable and unfathomable depression.


Things had to get so painful and out of control before I understood that something had to change. My greed for admiration, and fear for rejection made me compromise myself and abandon my true feelings, wishes and desires. I had ascribed too much value to what other people thought of me, that I was willing to sacrifice myself for their applause. I was just an ingratiating puppet paying lip service, frozen at the core, cut off from the natural rhythm of my own heartbeat. I was too busy competing with others, that I failed to realize the only enemy was inside myself. I realized that as long as I was fighting, compromising and oppressing myself, I would never be happy. If I continued to betray who I really was, I could never grow. The war inside me, would only ablaze if I persisted on living my life out of fear of what others might think of me.

With my personal jewellery design shop I wished to challenge the way I perceived flaws, imperfections and other interpersonal differences. By embracing and accepting my edges, instead of fearing them, I can reclaim the disowned parts of myself, and create a strong foundation for acceptance of what I ordinary deny, hide and push away

If I can refrain from defining myself in terms of what is expected of me, I can let go of who I think I should be, in order to be who I truly am.

I’m not a perfect porcelain doll. I’m vulnerable, complex and edged. I have been broken so many times. I’m full of cracks, flaws and scars. But every edge is part of my unique distinctiveness. They define, complete and unite me. They are my greatest gift as they give me strength and character. If I dare to worship the beauty of my inner edges and imperfections and adorn myself with them, I can reclaim my authenticity, and become more whole, more powerful and more true. This can seem frightening, but in reality it is freeing. I refuse to let fear and shame govern my life anymore.

I’m still a work in progress, but I’m confident now, knowing I have my jewellery craft to remind me that my beauty, strength and uniqueness lies within my inner edges.

(c)

Dear Current Self

Dear Current Self,

You've been striving very hard to be the slave of perfection. You've been pretending real fine to be the best girl in the family. You've been sick dealing with people you didn't know what's the most proper act on how to cope up with, for they all sucked with their different maladies. You've been trying to be that successful lady wannabe. You've been working all day proving yourself to people around you. You've been perfectly hiding your sincerest emotions to your own kind of mysterious jar. You've been reaching out higher than what you can really do to be the coolest others could see. You've been rising as if you were the firmest woman on town but actually you're stumbling upon your weaknesses. You've been running to the roads that'll lead you to what is righteous for others but what you really want is to walk the path of acceptance no matter how many rocks could block your way. You've been exhausted, begging to take a rest from adjustments the society obliging you. You've been longing for appreciation just for your simple capabilities.

I've been watching you for a while and as I could see, you've been jumping to someone you're really not. Hey, let me remind you this, be yourself. Don't put yourself under pressure for the norms of your surroundings. Don't mind other's criticisms, we all possessed that one of a kind individuality. Don't let anybody dictate your role. Don't be that most flawless creation, people have been dying to put their shoes off. Get a life. Have a life. Experience life.

Dear, tear off that mask now. You are human, right? Know your worth. Never devalue oneself. Be who you are.

Love,
Your Future Self

To The Woman Who Died And Left Me Limp Hearted

On that rainy Wednesday night when I walked into the hospital room the brightest smile lightened across your face like a thunderbolt as I sat on a wobbly chair next to the old bed. I was upset because you had asked for a bagel and I didn’t feel like walking to the bakery. I was late too because I had to stop by the mall to but a new jacket.

Planning yet another trip that December took up most of my  thoughts for absolutely no reason under than feeding that insatiable need to travel;  to race like a madman up and down the world nothing but a shadow of my own ego-  stamp my passport with beautiful countries that I will never really get to know,  so many things needed to be said about my crazy life and you always loved to listen.

Travelers are a dangerous sort. We’re so used to the escape that we forget how to sit down enjoy life, we forget what grounds us and we never should.
I was there that Wednesday night in that hospital room, I felt every splinter in that chair, every oxygen mask hanging persistently from the wall and mocking the air we take for granted, every tube and pipe coming in and out of your weakened body, and yet all you did was listen to my incoherent ramblings about places you will never see, days you will never welcome and sunshine that will never burn your fragile skin again.
You were dying and I was bragging about life.

A picture next to your bed was inviting and it took us back to the day that we will never lose; the day when all was lost but felt exactly as it should.. it wasn’t a journey, it was nothing but you and me on top of the world. The evening was foggy and the city sprawling under our feet on the top floor of Rockefeller Center could have been any; city or the prairie. The little girl next to us with curly hair and peculiar eyes was walking around the endless jungles of Amazon, swimming with crocodiles and swaying with the trees, I was flying my way over the oceans and you decided to stroll down Unter den Linden. And if there were no jungles and no oceans, nor your beloved Berlin’s boulevard of lime trees, if none of that is real and if we’re really just falling..the city is always here to catch us.

As you’re strolling down Unter den Linden holding on firmly to your husband’s hand, I wonder what the world must have looked like back then, no GPS, no phones and just a few custom officers at midnight holding you for hours as you were trying to enter West Berlin. You have a lot of faith in your newlywed spouse, and you know you will soon find a phone and call your family to let them know you safely reached your final destination. The car is filled with maps and books, empty paper coffee cups and cigarette buds and it smells of your Chanel and so many stories waiting to be told.

The hotel itself was nothing much but what you had was everything – waking up in Berlin.

The city has that certain blasé charm that swipes you off your feet the second you smell alluringly heavy breakfast mixed with tobacco across the streets of Kreuzberg. After all, this is your Honeymoon and it’s going to be as carefree or laden as you want it. With boot-cut jeans happily dancing around the puddles on both sides of the wall, the city remains divided for far too long.

The girl sitting next to you was desperately trying to keep her head above the imaginary line between heavy cigarette smoke and oxygen; for a second it seemed like there was a line until it all blended together in a synchronizing cloud of smoke, blocking the view from the window. It was rainy and gloomy, as it so often is in the city on the shores of Spree but nothing ever silences the music and turmoil, after all it is never peace that creates art of any kind.

The girl’s name was Nina and she was as vibrant and enchanting as everyone should be when they’re turning 21; the crazy childhood rants are far behind and the world awaits to be conquered by yet another fresh and brisk mind full of ideas and creative drive. It makes you wanna rub off against her and catch it while it’s still there, and so you did as she took you on a free tour of the city.  The streets rolled by one by one, all the seasons changed in one day as Nina was talking about her paintings; the attractive story of a busy street corner and a young girl with big dreams.

She owned a small gallery across the street from an old U-Bahn station and the two of you owned her heart.

You were curious and in love and she didn’t know what that was like. Her paintings took up most of her energy so that very little was left for romance. She diligently finished every single one she ever started but there was only one left unfinished because love dared to mettle with art- the one she started painting from a foggy window from the pew of an old bistro on Unter den Linden. As Nina got to know a charming young man who approached her asking for light, she was too busy rushing off to explore yet unknown and daring part of her heart, leaving the painting in sketches and drafts; nothing but a few lines of blue and pink where the sky meets the blossoms of lime trees. Love, to which she gave so much, left her behind with so little. But watching you left her hopeful.

Your husband was taking long drags of fresh tobacco next to you and you never did as much as wave your hand in a disapproving motion. You didn’t mind, he had an old olive green car and a heart of gold. After a split second of looking into his eyes, you knew he would be there holding your hand till the very end and he did, never scratching a single nip on your fragile heart.

When you wake up tomorrow after the rain and all is quiet but the sound of your own soul, you will know the quiet around you won’t last forever either; music will start playing, feet walking, heels clicking in a gallop on hot city asphalt, kids will start yelling and neighbors chatting on a balcony over your head, and you will go quiet because strange voices silence the beating of your heart. And you will remember Nina and her reckless love affair that wrecked her art.

Suddenly everything feels right as you drive back home, decades of relentless time passing by and piling on top of each other; each as turbulent and alive as the next one.
I feel like you drove straight back into that hospital room as your eyes were slowly closing down, counting the ending flutters of eyelashes.
I promised myself I would find a way to fix things but I couldn’t.

You died on a Friday morning and I stayed under the lindens in Berlin.

Listening to you just like you always listened to me, waiting patiently to hear the rest of the stories stuck in the olive green car between the piles of crumbled city maps and broken ashtray, soaked in your Chanel No.5.
The fog cleared out on the top floor of the Rockefeller Center and it was clear as day that the city under our feet could not have been imagined any more. It was as dark and hectic and almost as distant as Berlin but we never felt closer.

You made a promise that day and so did I, to never stop wandering no matter the circumstances and mundane, the reality and harshness and the river of tears you cry for someone. And I never will stop dreaming, telling you stories and crossing oceans.

From time to time I feel like I had already lived this life before because I know myself too well and even though I don’t know why some stories begin, I know why some never end.


(c)

You Don’t Deserve Someone Who Comes Back, You Deserve Someone Who Never Leaves

I used to wonder about people coming back after they’ve decided to leave. I used to wait for the day they come back and realize that they messed up or realize that life is miserable without me. But then I realized that better than all this mess is someone who never leaves.

Someone who never leaves when you hit bumps in the road, someone who never leaves when the rain starts falling down on you, someone who never leaves no matter how many other people are trying to get their attention, someone who chooses to stay every single day.

You deserve someone who never leaves when you tell them about the things you did that you’re ashamed of and the things that happened to you that you promised not to tell anyone. When you tell them about the things you really don’t like about yourself and the things you hated about your past. You deserve someone who never leaves no matter how dark it gets.

You deserve someone who never leaves when you tell them how much you love them, how much you really want to make them happy and how they make you feel something no else made you feel before. How they are special to you and how you really just want to spend your days looking at them and spend your nights sleeping in their arms.

You deserve someone who stays no matter how passionately you display your love and how fearlessly you show your emotions. You deserve someone who is not afraid of the way you love them.

You deserve someone who never leaves even if they found a better job or made more money or bought a fancier car. Someone who never leaves when they’re at their best, when they can get anyone they want but still choose you, when they don’t even care about exploring all these other ‘options’ to realize your worth because they know what they have and they know that you are one of a kind. You deserve someone who makes you believe that some people can stay.

You deserve someone who never leaves when things are not that exciting, when life becomes overwhelming for you to handle, when you are tired all the time, when you’re lost and confused and don’t know what to do next, when you keep doubting yourself and your capabilities. You deserve someone who reminds you of how you survived, someone who reminds you of your strength, someone who reminds you of your greatness and someone who reminds you that even though you can make it on your own, they want to be there, they don’t want you to be alone this time and they want to fight your battles with you.

Even though we all have that one person we wish could come back, what we really should wish for is someone who never leaves. Someone who left before could leave again but someone who could’ve left but decided to stay is exactly the kind of person you need to be with – is exactly the kind of person you deserve to be with.


(c)

34 Ways To Get Over Someone

1. Stop allowing your thoughts of them to only be the nostalgic, pleasant ones — find how much you dislike remembering the negatives when you force yourself to do so.


2. Re-invest in friends that you might have neglected when in the throes of a consuming relationship.

3. Remember how much you loved these friends, how much was good about your own relationships together, and how much you can just be you around them.

4. Start doing all of the things, and embracing the parts of your personality, that you had to put on hold when you were with them.

5. Listen to a lot of good, sad, happy, wonderful music and don’t spend the entire song looking for an obscure connection with what you had together. Sometimes a song is just a song.

6. Embrace the fact that you will think of them from time to time, and that you don’t have to run from those thoughts, but you also don’t have to feed them like an ugly little pet.

7. Focus, more than anything else, on being a good person — and understanding that such a person exists outside of a couple.

8. Splurge on a vase of nice flowers to put somewhere sunny.


9. Remember that you can still have orgasms — really awesome ones — without the help of anyone else, and that remaining connected to your body is nothing to be ashamed of.

10. Go on dates with the intention of simply having a good time, and not with grandiose expectations of something this is going to ‘replace’ or ‘live up to.’

11. Take a long bath with a glass of wine and realize how amazing the combination of a light buzz and soaking in hot water is.

12. Look in the mirror for a long time and pick out the things you really love, the things that you had let yourself forget about.

13. Watch good movies that make you cry, and realize that crying doesn’t have to be reserved for only one thing in your life.

14. Be realistic about why it ended.

15. Dance around your room naked, cook naked (though nothing with hot oil!), just hang out in general naked. Be naked. Naked!

16. Talk about it with friends if you need to, but don’t become an endless monologue following them around about your failed relationship. Learn to be concise with your feelings, and realize that the longer you go on about it, the more you are inevitably thinking about it.


17. Watch silly kids’ cartoons and eat bowls of cereal in your pajamas.

18. Go to a movie or eat dinner in a restaurant by yourself and realize that you can enjoy your own company — that you don’t have to worry that everyone is pitying you.

19. Get rid of them on social media, at least for a while. Creeping on them (or even giving yourself the opportunity to creep in a weaker moment) isn’t good for anyone.

20. Take a long walk around your city and just do fun, lazy errands like going to a bakery or picking out a new knick-knack for your apartment. Allow yourself to take the pleasure in small, everyday things.

21. Don’t worry about ‘winning’ the breakup. You’re not going to become the first ballerina president astronaut unicorn by the next time they look at your Facebook, so don’t waste time trying.

22. Work on being civil with their new significant other, whenever they should arise — they are not the devil, no matter how convenient that would be to your storyline.


23. Listen to “Teenage Dirtbag” by Wheatus on full volume and dance around. Because there is no situation which doing that doesn’t improve.

24. Don’t concern yourself with when your next relationship is going to come along. It’s a cliché that “love comes when you aren’t looking for it,” but it’s certainly not going to come when you’re chasing it around like a junkie.

25. Go out and have fun amongst friends, without worrying about impressing anyone.

26. Redecorate your room. Find interesting new ways to adapt to a space that seems completely dedicated to “before.”

27. Take a long drive with the windows down and no place in particular to go (within reason, gas is expensive).

28. Stop torturing yourself by poring over all your old conversations, texts, gifts, and everything that now exists only to upset you and make the entire past seem irrationally rosy.

29. Read a new book that pulls you so far into its world that you have a much-needed reprieve from your own.

30. Set up an OKCupid profile, if only just to browse around and feel a little ego boost from the messages you receive.

31. Don’t date someone seriously if they are just a rebound — no one deserves to be led on like that.

32. Learn to make a new recipe. Find that using your hands, making something from scratch, and enjoying eating it without guilt is an incredibly satisfying experience.

33. Listen to new music, music to be associated only with you and your awesome new life.

34. Realize that it’s not going to happen overnight, and you can’t force it, but (as with everything else), it will improve — and hating yourself in the meantime isn’t going to help anything. TC mark


(c)

Letting Go of Love

Have you been dumped, betrayed or left so heartbroken that you didn't ever want to love again? Are you still stuck on an ex and don't know how to move on? And how do you know when it's time to let go and look for love somewhere else? Dr. Phil has advice:

If you're "the other woman" who's waiting for a man to leave his lover, don't waste your time. "If he'll do it with you, he'll do it to you," Dr. Phil says. The man you want lacks integrity and can't make a commitment.

Are your standards too low? Dr. Phil asks a guest who's waiting around for a man that's let her down time and again: "What is it about you that causes you to settle for somebody that you know will cheat on you, know will lie to you, know will make a commitment and then break it? What is it about you that you believe about yourself that you're willing to settle for that?" Recognize that you're settling and that you deserve more. Set a higher standard for yourself.

Does he really even make you happy? Be honest with yourself about the extent to which he's really meeting your needs. Chances are you're longing for the relationship that you wish it could be, and that you want to be in love with the person you wish he was. Dr. Phil reminds a guest: "There are times when you break up with somebody and you start missing them and you start thinking about all the good things. And then you're back with them for about 10 minutes and you go 'Oh yeah! Now I remember why I hate you!'" Don't kid yourself about what it was really like or glorify the past.

Don't wait around because you think he's going to change. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, so the chance that he's going to ride in on his white horse and do the right thing is pretty slim. Dr. Phil explains, "To the extent that there's some history, you don't have to speculate, you just have to measure."

Don't put your life on hold. Every minute you spend focusing on your ex is a minute that's holding you back from a better future. Dr. Phil tells his guest, "As long you are obsessed on this guy, you will never put your heart, soul and mind into getting your life in order and starting another relationship if you want one." Set some goals and start putting your life back together.

Ask yourself: Are you hiding in the relationship so you don't have to face the reality of being on your own? Don't stay with someone because it's comfortable and safe. It may seem more secure, but it's not healthy for you and it certainly won't help you get to a better place. Why would you want to settle and waste your life away just to avoid getting back in the game?

Be clear with him. "You've got to say not just 'no,' but 'hell no,'" Dr. Phil tells his guest. "'Get out of my life. Stay away from me. Don't call me.'" If you live together, it's time to move out, or you may need to change your phone number. Dr. Phil reiterates: "Do what you have to do." If the circumstances are more complicated or severe, you may need to get a lawyer in order to get child support or to hold him accountable for any other outstanding issues.

Don't hold all men responsible for the mistake your ex made. Why should he pay for the sins of someone else who may have wronged you?

Learn to trust again — by trusting yourself. Dr. Phil tells a man who's having a hard time letting women back into his life: "Trust is not about how much you trust one person or another to do right or wrong. How much you trust another person is a function of how much you trust yourself to be strong enough to deal with their imperfections." Have enough faith in yourself to be able to put yourself on the line with someone, without any guarantee of what will happen next. If you're playing the game with sweaty palms, it's because you're afraid of what you can or can't do, or dealing with your own imperfections — it's not about the other person.

Know that you will get hurt if you're in a relationship. There is no perfect person without flaws. Even a well-intended guy is going to hurt his partner. He's going to hurt your feelings. He's going to say things that you don't want him to say. He's going to do things you wish he wouldn't do and not do things you wish he would do. A relationship is an imperfect union between two willing spirits who say, ''I'd rather be in a relationship and share my life, share my joys, share my fun, share my activities, share my life than do it alone." If you want to be in a relationship, know that getting hurt comes with the territory. You just have to decide that you are durable enough, that you have enough confidence in yourself that you can handle it.

Don't invest more than you can afford to lose. While it's important to move forward, you need to take things one step at a time. Don't put so much out there that you'll be emotionally bankrupt if things go south.

Don't beat yourself up. You got through your last experience, you've learned from it, and now it's time to move forward. Dr. Phil tells his guest, "You'll move on and be a champion in your next endeavor as you did in your past ... Life is not a success-only journey. You are going to get beat up along the way."

Focus on yourself. All of us come into relationships with baggage, but you need to have closure on past experiences before you can start a new relationship with the odds in your favor. Dr. Phil tells a guest who's had trouble with her father, her brother and two previous husbands: "Unless and until you've figured out everything you've got to figure out about that and you get closure, you will never come into a relationship with a fresh and clean heart and mind and expectancy and attitude." You're probably not ready to get into another relationship until you heal the wounds of your past.

Listen to what he's saying. If he's telling you that you want different things out of life and there's no way you can work as a couple, don't turn his words around into what you want to hear. He's being quite clear.

Know the statistics. Dr. Phil tells a guest who's waiting for her ex to come around: "There's a 50/50 chance a marriage is going to work if both people are head over heels in love, passionate and willing to climb the mountain, swim the river and slay the dragon to get to each other. That's with everybody crazy in love and running toward each other in that field that we see in the commercials. The problem you've got here is he's running the other way in the field! So if it's 50/50 when you're running toward each other, what do you think it is when the other person is running out of the field and hiding in the woods?"

(c)

Stages of Grief After a Breakup

Overview

Breaking up is not easy. Whether it’s a breakup from a boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, life partner or even a best friend, it takes time for wounds to heal. Even if you were the one who initiated the split, you can still go through the five stages of grief, which include anger and depression. If you give yourself time, you can eventually find yourself at the end of the grief stages, acceptance.

Denial

Denial is your brain’s automatic response to unwanted news. Denial gives your heart time to adjust to the new situation. In the denial phase you may think that your significant other is coming back to you. Everybody spends different amounts of time in the denial phase, so turn to your friends and family for support. Important people can keep you from making common denial stage mistakes, such as late-night conversations with your ex.

Anger

It is normal to be angry at your former partner. You may resent her for causing you pain or for breaking up your family. It is important in this phase not to make any rash decisions that you may later regret. In her 2013 for Psychology Today, Dr. Jennifer Kromberg states that you can go as far as sending hateful emails if you let this stage get the best of you. Allow yourself to work through your anger, perhaps by exercising, drawing or writing in a journal.

Bargaining

In the bargaining phase you will try to restore your relationship or perhaps rebuild it as a friendship. According to Dr. Jennifer Kromberg's 2013 article "The 5 Stages of Grieving the End of a Relationship," you may try anything you can to reclaim your relationship. Instead of jumping through hoops to get your relationship back, you can salvage your pride by starting anew without your ex and progress to other stages of grief.

Depression

It’s normal to be sad. At this point in your grieving, you come to terms with the fact that the situation is not going to change. This is a time for reflection. You may want to be alone. Realize the kindness of others is not intended to upset you. Instead, rely on your support system to keep you distracted from your grief. The 2013 Help Guide article "Coping with a Breakup or Divorce" reminds those in pain to resist the temptation to turn to drugs, alcohol or food. Those habits can be destructive, so eat well, sleep well and exercise.

Acceptance

It’s natural to harbor a place in your heart for loved ones. Special relationships make you who you are. However, in the final stage of grief after a breakup, you will begin to piece together what happened, accept the breakup and acknowledge the part you played in it, according to the 2013 Help Guide article "Coping with a Breakup or Divorce". The site suggests using this as an opportunity to learn from mistakes from the past and carry those lessons into the future. This is the healthiest way to fully accept a breakup and grow as an individual. The pain may not be gone completely yet, but time will heal those wounds.

(c)

It’s Not You, It’s God: Nine Lessons for Breakups

Some of a single person’s darkest days fall after a breakup.

You risked your heart. You shared your life. You bought the gifts, made the memories, and dreamed your dreams together — and it fell apart. Now, you’re back at square one in the quest for marriage, and it feels lonelier than square one, and further from the altar, because of all you’ve spent and lost.

No one begins dating someone hoping to break it off someday. The wiring in most of us has us longing for the wedding day. We’re looking, sometimes it feels frantically, for love, for affection and security and companionship and commitment and intimacy and help. After all, God seems to want most of us to be married (Genesis 2:18; Proverbs 18:22; 1 Corinthians 7:2, 9). But that sure hasn’t made getting married easy.

The Pain of Intimacy Without Matrimony

The reality is that good, Christ-exalting relationships very often fail before the ceremony, never to be recovered romantically. The pain cuts deeper and lingers longer than most pain young people have felt in their lives. I feel it deeply even typing these words. It’s one of the hardest things for me to write or speak about: the pain of intimacy that fell short of matrimony.

Breakups in the church are painful and uncomfortable, and many of us have or will walk this dark and lonely road. So here are nine lessons for building hope and loving others when Christians end a not-yet marriage.

1. It’s okay to cry — and you probably should.

Breakups almost always hurt. Maybe you didn’t see it coming, and the other person suddenly wants out. Maybe you were convinced it needed to end, but knew how hard it would be to tell them. Maybe you’ve been together for years. Maybe you love their family and friends. Without the ceremony and covenant, it’s not a divorce, but it can feel like it.

It feels like divorce for a reason. You weren’t made for this misery. God engineered romance to express itself in fidelity and loyalty — in oneness (Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:9; 1 Corinthians 7:2–13). Because dating is only a means to marriage, God’s design for our marriages speaks to his design for our dating relationships. Dating that dives in too quickly or dumps too carelessly does not reflect God’s intention.

This doesn’t mean every dating relationship should end in marriage, but it does mean breakups will hurt. Sorrow in the midst of the severing is not only appropriate, but good. It’s nothing to hide or be ashamed of. God created you to enjoy and thrive in love that lasts, like Christ’s lasting love for his bride. So feel free to feel, and know that the pain points to something beautiful about your God and his undying love for you.

And if it doesn’t hurt, it probably should. If you can come in and out of romance without pain or remorse, something sounds out of sync. This doesn’t mean you have to be ruined by every breakup, but there should be a sense that this isn’t right — it’s not how it’s supposed to be. Hearts weren’t built to be borrowed. God needs to show some of us the gravity of failed relationships because of what they wrongly suggest about him and his love for the church.

“God created you to enjoy and thrive in love that lasts. Hearts weren’t built to be borrowed.” 

2. Don’t try again too quickly.

Knowing and embracing God’s design for permanence in marriage and dating will help us feel appropriately, but it will also help us take healthy next steps in our pursuit of marriage. One of the worst and most popular mistakes is moving on to the next one too soon. Especially in the age of online dating and social media, we really don’t have to work very hard to find another prospect.

Affection can be an addiction. If you’ve been on dates, held hands, seen smiles, exchanged notes, experienced the sweetness of another’s attention and affirmation, you will want more. And the easiest way to find it is to rebound right away. But if we care about God, our witness, our ex, and our future significant other, we’ll wait, pray, and date patiently and carefully. It’s too easy to leave a trail of wounded people behind in our pursuit of a partner.

It’s a lie to think that you’re not moving toward marriage if you’re not dating someone right now. Sometimes the best thing you can do for your future spouse is to not date. If your history looks serial, you might need to break up with dating for a while. It can be a time to regroup, grow, and discover a new rhythm for your future relationship.

3. You may have failed, but God didn’t.

The relationship may be over because of a specific character flaw or failure. There are things about us — weaknesses or patterns of behavior — that may disqualify us for marriage with a particular person. But it does not nullify God’s grace to and through you.

Sin in relationships is some of the most visible and painful. As we let each other further and further into our lives and hearts, the sin is more likely to show itself and to cut the other person more deeply. In the right measure, it is the good and proper risk of all Christian fellowship. As people come closer, and we need this in true Christian community, our sin inevitably becomes more dangerous. Our mess is more likely to splash onto others, and theirs on us.

But whoever has done the failing in your breakup, it wasn’t God. Because of Jesus, his promises never to leave or forsake you are true every moment and in every relationship status. If you are trusting in Christ for the forgiveness of your sin and striving to follow him and his word, God has never abandoned you, and he will never abandon you. God didn’t take a break from loving you in your breakup — even if you’re the reason it’s over. His purposes are bigger than your blunders.

4. You are better having loved and lost.

There’s a unique shame and brokenness associated with breakups. Relationships and love may be celebrated more in the church than anywhere else because we (rightly) love marriage so much. Unfortunately, these same convictions often make breakups an uncomfortable conversation — at best embarrassing and at worst scandalous or humiliating.

You feel like damaged goods, like you’ve been ruined in God’s eyes or in the eyes of others. The hard-to-believe, but beautiful truth is that broken-up you is a better you. If in your sorrow you turn to the Lord and repent of whatever sin you brought to this relationship, you are as precious to your heavenly Father as you have ever been, and he is using every inch of your heartache, failure, or regret to make you more of what he created you to be and to give you more of what he created you to enjoy — himself.

When one prize is stripped away, we can graciously be reminded of how little we have apart from Christ and the fortune he’s purchased for us with his blood. He has become for us wisdom for the foolish, righteousness for sinners, sanctification for the broken, and redemption for the lost and afraid (1 Corinthians 1:30) — and affection and security and identity for the lonely man or woman reeling after the end of a relationship. So even in the aftermath of a breakup we have reason to boast, as long as our boast is in everything Christ is for us (1 Corinthians 1:31).

In Jesus, God is always and only doing good to you. There’s no circumstance facing you that he’s not engineering to give you deep and durable life and freedom and joy. He loves our lasting joy in him much more than he loves our temporary comfort today. He’ll make the trade any day, and we can be glad he does. Know that God is doing good, even when we feel worst.

“Because of God’s good and sovereign grace, you are better having loved and lost.” 

5. Even if you can’t be friends now, you will be siblings forever.

For Christian relationships, breakups are never the end. Whether it sounds appealing now or not, you will be together forever (Revelation 7:9–10). And you’ll do so in a new world where no one is married, and everyone is happy (Matthew 22:30; Psalm 16:11). Sounds too good to be true, right? So what would it mean to move on and think about our ex in light of eternity?

While you will meet again and forever in heaven, you may not be able to be friends now. And that is not necessarily sinful. In fact, in many cases, the healthiest thing emotionally and spiritually will be to create some space and boundaries. Hearts that have been given away, at whatever level, need to heal and develop new expectations again.

Reconciliation does not require closeness. It does require forgiveness and brotherly love. You could start by praying for them, even when you can’t handle talking to them. Pray that their faith would increase, that God would bring believing brothers or sisters around them, that he would heal and restore their heart, that he would make them more like Jesus.

We need to learn to live today in our relationships, old and new, in light of our eternity together. Our patience, kindness, and forgiveness in breakups will shine beautifully next to the selfish, vindictive responses modeled in reality TV and adopted thoughtlessly by the rest of the world.

6. “It’s not you, it’s God” is not enough.

It might be one of the most popular Christian break-up lines, “God is leading me to do this.” “God told me we need to break up.” “I saw a vision in a bush on my way to class and we weren’t together.” All of them can probably be summed up like this, “Look, it’s not you, it’s God.”

God very well may lead you to a breakup, but don’t use him as a scapegoat. Own your own sin and ask for forgiveness where it is needed. Then be honest about how you came to this decision, how he made this direction clear to you. Sure, some things will be intangible, but find the tangible factors. This is not a license to say harmful things, but helpful things, even if they may hurt initially.

First, it’s wise not to be alone in your opinion about the need to break up. Yes, your boyfriend or girlfriend may not agree, but you need to share and confirm your perspective with someone who loves Jesus and both of you. Go to someone you know can assess your heart in wanting to get out. If it can be a married man or woman, all the better. Talk to someone who knows what it takes to persevere in marriage, and see what they think about your “deal-breaker(s)” in the relationship.

Our imagination, especially in an emotional crisis, can be a lethal weapon that Satan leverages against us for evil. When we leave everything vague and spiritual, our ex will not, and the majority of what their mind creates will be lies from the devil to destroy them. Give them enough information about how God led you to this decision without crushing them or tearing them down.

I say “enough” because there are lots of true-but-unhelpful things you could say. Again, run your talking points past a Christian brother or sister before taking them to your soon-to-be ex. In the end, they don’t have to agree with you, but it’s loving to help them toward the clarity and closure you’re feeling. It just may free them to grow and move forward sooner and with fewer questions.

7. Your Father knows your needs.

You’re probably questioning this in the wake of your breakup, but God does know what you need, and he’s never too slow to provide it. He might reveal things to you about the things you thought you needed. Or he might simply show you how much more you need him than anything or anyone else.

God feeds the unemployed birds of the air (Matthew 6:26). God grows the flowers of the field and makes them beautiful, even though they’ll be cut, stomped, eaten, or frozen in a matter of days or weeks (Matthew 6:28–30). How much more will this Father care and provide for his blood-bought children?

When you ask for a husband, he won’t give you a snake. When you ask for a wife, he won’t give you a scorpion. Even when it looks like he’s done you harm, he hasn’t. He loves you. He knows what’s best for you. And all things are at his disposal. All things.

One way God provides for us through breakups is by making it clear — by whatever means and for whatever reason — this relationship was not his plan for our marriage. The heart of Christian dating is looking for clarity more than intimacy. This probably won’t taste sweet in the moment, but if you treasure clarity, breakups won’t be all bad news. We all know some of the news we need most is hardest for a time, but fruitful down the road.

Trust him to provide for you each day (or year) whether you get married or not. If you do get married, know that he will bring the imperfect man or woman you need.

8. Learn from love lost.

One of Satan’s greatest victories in a breakup is convincing a guy or girl, “It was all the other person’s fault, and I’ve already arrived as a future husband or wife.” The reality is no one — married or not — has fully arrived this side of glory. We are all flawed and filled with the Spirit, so we will all always be learning and growing as people and spouses — present or future.

After the emotional tidal wave has crashed and passed, take some time alone and then with close friends to assess where God’s carrying you — who he’s making you to be — through this. Identify an area or areas where you want to strive to be more gracious or more discerning or more faithful — more like Jesus — moving forward.

You won’t have many relational crossroads more intense, personal, and specific as a breakup, so it truly is a unique time for some hopeful, healthy introspection, checked and balanced by some other believers.

9. Jesus will help you find joy in the shadows of heartbreak.

When we’re left alone and feeling abandoned, it’s really hard to believe anyone knows what we’re going through. That may even be true of the good-intentioned people around you. It is not true of Jesus.

This Jesus came and was broken to give hope to the broken. “A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not quench, until he brings justice to victory; and in his name the Gentiles will have hope” (Matthew 12:20–21).

The joy is not in knowing that Jesus had it hard, too. Not much comfort there. The joy is in knowing that the one who suffered in your place died and rose again to end suffering for his saints. God saved the world and defeated death through his suffering, and your suffering in the midst of your walk with Jesus — in this case, in a breakup — unites you to that victory, the greatest victory ever won. For those who hope in Jesus, all pain — unexpected cancer, unfair criticism, an unwanted break up — was given an expiration date and repurposed until then to unite us in love to our suffering Savior.

Jesus went before the broken-hearted to pave the way for joy in pain. We live, survive, and thrive by looking to him, “who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross” (Hebrews 12:2). His joy before the wrath of God against sin is our first and greatest reason to fight for joy — not just survival — after a breakup.

If you believe that, then make the most of this breakup, knowing God has chosen this particular path to grow and gratify you in ways that last. No relationship you have in this life will last forever, but the good things that happen through them in you — even through their sorrows, yes even through their collapses — will.

(c)