You were the guy who saw me at my worst yet treated me like I was the best thing he ever had. As cliché as it sounds, you were everything at once yet nothing at all. You came at a time when I was emotionally unstable. Hurting. Indecisive even, of the things that I wanted but you set all of those aside and chose to love the little that was left of me.
You knew from the start that you are not my first option. You never were. But you still persevered to build me up piece by piece, to listen to my endless rants, to hear my 2am thoughts, and to be the silver lining of all the hurting. You were the miracle that happened to me just like how Margo was to Q, how Agustus was to Hazel, or even how Tris was to Four. You were the breath of fresh air that I needed after drowning in the deep waters too long that I felt numb. Numb of pain I actually felt. Numb until I learned to breathe again.
You were my 11:11. The small detail of my day that managed to make a very big impact to my life. Then I thought, what if I met you before him? Maybe I wouldn’t have been the train wreck you’ve stumbled upon. Maybe I would’ve been happier. Maybe I would’ve been the one to take care of you instead of the other way around. Maybe I wouldn’t have hurt you the way I did when he came back.
I chose him over you. The guy who hurt me. The guy who left me. Suddenly I let go of your caring arms and ran back to the forest I once got lost in. Getting pricked by the same thorns that once scraped my bare feet. But I continued running. Away from the home I have come to know as my own. But maybe that’s just how it works. How people are drawn to the things that hurt them. How we take the important things for granted how we only gratify the things we love when they’re gone. But it isn’t.
I was stupid. Stupid to leave you the way he left me. The way I chased my dreams when I already have what was meant for me. The way I saw your face as I left you for another. The way I never chose you and always came back running to him. But it’s too late for regrets. Too late to say sorry. Too late to come back home. And too late to let me fix you the way you fixed me.
You know what? He broke me once again. He broke the strings inside me the same way he broke his guitar strings whenever he played. Maybe if I had chosen you I would never have to build myself again. To start the process all over again, but only this time, I was alone. Away from your warmth. Away from your sweet caress. And away from your conforming words. Because you finally made up your mind that you deserve someone better than me. And you were right. Right that I was never worthy of the love that you made me feel. To be trusted with such a fragile heart that I ended up shattering. To be given a piece in your life yet choose to depart from it.
Someday, I hope she’ll love you unlike the way I did. I hope she’ll treasure you unlike the way I did.
I hope she’ll never leave you the way I did. And..I hope she’ll chose you like the way I never did.
Lang Paninindigan
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