I went one month broken up with him, and without him by my side, before I finally cracked and went back into his arms — a place that was so familiar and comfortable to me. My ego was bruised and I felt insecure. Why did he cheat? Was I not good enough? How was I so blind? All these questions and thoughts kept me up for nights on end, this obsession to know why. I went back to not only figure out the answers to these questions that unceasingly nagged at me, but to also make him want me again something I so desperately needed to feel. Of course I know this is a fruitless and pathetic pursuit to seek out validation from someone who is clearly undeserving of my respect and love.
And, as might be expected, after going back to him, my obsessive need to know why he did this to me only worsened; now I needed to have full control over everything he did, without him knowing. And thus, my own personal experiment was born. I knew him like the back of my hand. and now especially that my eyes were suddenly open to his lies and deceits. So I started to test him, for the first time ever. I would watch his body language and his responses to different situations. I would go through his facebook account and those girls I knew he flirted whenever possible, collecting evidence and background information to compare to his stories and to see how easily and how well he could lie. But I continued to stay with him; I wanted to see more and how it would all play out.
Last Friday, he was being extra affectionate through text. He never asked me what my plans were that day or thought to tell me what he was planning to do. And I didn’t ask either. I thought he change already for the better but I was wrong.
This time, I had read the signs and patterns; I had fully expected it. And I still stayed with him.
I stayed because my interest had grown and I wanted to see how far he would go with this. I also wanted to test out a plan: could I smother him with so much love that he would quit playing around with other girls? Or would he just continue to take advantage of me and whore around with no guilt or remorse? I needed to know. So I gave him all my love and attention, and I keep on waiting. Why am I doing this to myself if it’s only embarrassing me? I already know he is a heartless piece of shit; why am I wasting my time?
It’s now abundantly clear to me that boys do not magically change out of thin air. When you go back someone who has cheated on you, you are basically telling them you are a door mat to be stepped on. You are telling them, “yes, go ahead and cheat on me again, because chances are I’ll crack and come back to you as always.” And it’s hard to blame them; why would a guy not take full advantage of someone who is allowing him to have his cake and eat it too?
And finally, some truths about guys to always remember:
1. Boys will never change their ways.
2. They literally think with their dicks.
3. Your feelings are not a priority to them.
4. Trust your intuition; it is always right!
5. Never give your all. Protect yourself or else they will use and abuse you.
6. Make them fucking work for it.
7. Never settle!
8. Never blame the side chick. If your man is truly committed, he would never stray.
9. Love yourself because no one else will love you better!
***
I always listen to this song and it reminds me of him. whenever I hear this song, I feel pain. and to my future lover/partner, Please, don't say you love me unless forever.
"Don't Say You Love Me"
I've seen this place a thousand times
I've felt this all before
And every time you call
I've waited there as though you might not call at all
I know this face I'm wearing now
I've seen this in my eyes
And though it feels so great, I'm still afraid
That you'll be leaving anytime
We've done this once and then you closed the door
Don't let me fall again for nothing more
Don't say you love me unless forever
Don't tell me you need me, if you're not gonna stay
Don't give me this feeling, I'll only believe it
Make it real or take it all away
I've caught myself smiling alone
Just thinking of your voice
And dreaming of your touch, is all too much
You know I don't have any choice
Don't say you love me unless forever
Don't tell me you need me, if you're not gonna stay
Don't give me this feeling, I'll only believe it
Make it real or take it all away...
We've done this once and then you closed the door
Don't let me fall again for nothing more
Don't say you love me unless forever
Don't tell me you need me, if you're not gonna stay
Don't give me this feeling, I'll only believe it
Make it real or take it all away
Don't tell me you need me, if you're not gonna stay
Don't give me this feeling, I'll only believe it
Make it real, (make it real,) or take it all away
Take it all away, take it all away...
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