017

Ang saya! Ang sarap mag aral ulit lalo na pag gusto mo talaga. Namimis talaga kita :( pangarap natin to eh. :(

016

Excited ako hon. Bukas magrereview na ako for CCNA. Naalala kita. Kasi sabi mo sabay tayong magtetake. Ngayon, mukhang hindi na. Kumusta ka na kaya?

Love hurts

One afternoon I was waiting in a bus stop. I sat beside a 19-year old school boy and a man probably in his 70’s.

The boy looked distracted as I could see the battlefield in his eyes.

“Love hurts,” he blurted out.

Before I could say anything, the old man smiled and said,

“No. Never with the right person, young man. I was with this woman for 35 years and it never hurt. There was not even a single heartache during the whole time I was with her. The world hurts, time hurts, destiny almost killed— but with her it was bliss. She was the only happiness that never faded. It could get messy sometimes but there was this exhilaration in knowing that I got her. Love hurts if you’re with the wrong person. I had been in a multiple pointless relationships before her, and trust me, all I ever felt was frustration, anxiety and fear— fear that they might leave me, fear that I may never be enough, fear that one morning I’d wake up and they were gone. I wasn’t patient enough to wait- I poured myself to the wrong people that when the right one came, I was not at my best- I was not whole anymore. I scattered pieces of me instead of giving her all of what I was.  But it never was a problem with her. See young man, she made me the happiest man for 35 years. She made me whole again without me even noticing. She was the right one. But she was taken away from me. She died from her sickness. Still she was able to make me happy up to her dying moment— up until now. Everytime I see her in my mind, all I feel is happiness. It’s a privilege to be that last man she had ever loved. So if you ever find that person in this sweeping universe, never ever commit your greatest regret of letting her go.”

He was smiling the whole time, like he was still in love, like as if the greatest love of his life was at home waiting for him. Like she was still alive.

I believed his smile. I trusted the forever in his eyes. And I realized that the world could be better after all.

—Shi Collantes


(c)

015

Grabe ang bilis. Magju June na. Matagal tagal nadin tayong hindi nagkakausap. Alam mo, may ginawa akong video. Video natin mula Day 1 hanggang present. Gabi gabi kong pinapanuod tapos iiyak ako ng sobra hanggang makatulog :( miss na miss na kita honey :(

The Art Of Being Yourself (Even If A Lurking Voice Inside Your Mind Disapproves)

Wronophobia:
(n.) The fear of being seen as you are. The incessant thinking that you can’t be loved being yourself.

As I sat down, trying to put my story into words, I was overwhelmed. I came to the realisation that I’ve never liked who I was. I grew up, believing that I lacked something; that I was inadequate, flawed and wrong in some way. I didn’t think I was lovable or good enough just the way I was. In a young age I experienced how my behaviour was linked to my likability. I saw how people reacted with love and appreciation, if I followed the rules, was manageable, pleasing and complying. I learned, that I could manipulate, and adjust myself to gain more praise and become whatever I thought would be most appealing. This strategy worked wonders for many years. I was happy, easy-going and in control. I had a great life, with everything seemingly figured out. But underneath the surface, reigned the diminishing belief that I couldn’t be loved being myself, and that I somehow needed to compensate for that.

Most of my life, has been a devastating struggle. Trying to be more than I was, because being myself was not an option. I was running around, short of breath, trying to lose my own shadow, striving to be someone I wasn’t, engaging in things I didn’t care about, to impress people I didn’t know. It was a restless thrust forward driven by the applause instead of the cause. I was pushing myself, to be persistently achieving something to conceal my underlying low self-esteem, poor self-image and general deficiencies. I was hiding behind flawless and overcompensating behavior with a patchwork of identities, ceaselessly changing like a chameleon to meet the shifting expectations of my surroundings. I became a selfless people-pleaser with an insatiable thirst for outside acceptance and admiration.

As I grew older, my expectations to myself and my life proliferated into unreasonable demands and delusional ideals of perfection. I was convinced that I had to change myself to be loved. I had to hide my flaws and smooth out my edges, deny my feelings and pretend to be different. The fear of being unloved, unwanted, unattractive and unworthy was just too great to overcome. So I separated myself from the parts I couldn’t accept by spurning the ugly, flawed, crooked and inconvenient parts. I had initiated a quiet but detrimental war against myself, battling to shape and oppress aspects of my core that I feared would be objectionable. Split between who I was, and who I thought I should be, I ended up alienated from myself, cloistered in a hollow and artificial shell, distant from my genuine feelings and true identity.

The consistent self-rejection persisted for many years, but what began as an innocent wish to be accepted, evolved into a disabling fear to disappoint, fail and be exposed as who I really was. It was like living with a shattering secret. I knew that the girl people liked and admired, was not the real me. She was only who I wanted to be, and what I wanted others to see. The real me was never good enough, pretty enough or capable enough. My self-esteem was like an empty bucket I desperately scooped worth into only to realize there was a big hole in the bottom leaking it all out quicker than I could fill it up. I didn’t know how to value, or validate myself so I became addicted to the reassurance and approval of others to neutralize my recurring self-sabotaging thoughts. But the more people said I was amazing, the more I felt like a fraud. The discontent I felt towards myself was like a virus poisoning me from the inside out. I was excessively self-conscious, and purposefully blowing my own mistakes out of proportion. I had a cynical demon inside me feeding on my flaws and every imperfection was just confirming what I already knew: I was completely wrong and utterly flawed in any- and every possible way. Inadequate and unimportant. Simple as that. I had accepted my wrongness as a fundamental fact. Indisputable like gravity, there was no way around it.

I was burying myself in self-resentment, and the yearning to feel confident, significant and special became all-consuming. But my unrelenting self-doubt made me susceptible to comparison and competition. I compared myself to others, only to point out my own lack. People just served as a benchmark for my own worth, telling me how good or bad I was. I could list a thousand things that I was failing to do, be or accomplish. My worth as a human being became a fleeting thing that changed minute to minute depending on who I was around and the changing whims of my mind. It was like building a castle of confidence in sand, only to see it being swept away by the next ocean wave.

The process of comparison solely lead to desperation, and left me in a permanent state of scarcity and dissatisfaction. I was condemning myself for not being able to live up to my unattainable ideals. But no matter how hard I tried to fix myself, push myself, or be better than others, I always fell short. I was impossible to please and impress and I chose to turn that boiling frustration inwards. It was like being in an abusive relationship with myself, where motivating and berating were two sides of the same coin. But shame and self-abuse didn’t tame the demons, if anything they only fueled the fire; a fire that got out of hand, the moment I found comfort in addictive and compulsive behavior. I chose to drug myself with food to alleviate the disappointment and hate I felt towards myself. Binge eating brought me into a trancelike state of perfect tranquillity; allowing me to temporarily vanish into oblivion. In those moments I was free. I was trying to escape the miserable reality I had created, but the consolation of the eating disorders was short-termed and only brought with it a craving for more. The escapism completely shattered my grip on reality. I couldn’t tell whether I was hungry, sleepy, happy or cold. As if my tastebuds suddenly went numb leaving me unable to distinguish sweet from sour. I was aware of my self-destruction, but ultimately I didn’t care anymore. I was trapped in a perpetuating circle of imploding powerlessness that had me spinning so fast, I couldn’t see clear anymore. I couldn’t see the point in living and the meaninglessness was like a dense fog threatening to choke me. I had ignored every danger sign and I was steadily pushing myself over the precipice towards an inescapable and unfathomable depression.


Things had to get so painful and out of control before I understood that something had to change. My greed for admiration, and fear for rejection made me compromise myself and abandon my true feelings, wishes and desires. I had ascribed too much value to what other people thought of me, that I was willing to sacrifice myself for their applause. I was just an ingratiating puppet paying lip service, frozen at the core, cut off from the natural rhythm of my own heartbeat. I was too busy competing with others, that I failed to realize the only enemy was inside myself. I realized that as long as I was fighting, compromising and oppressing myself, I would never be happy. If I continued to betray who I really was, I could never grow. The war inside me, would only ablaze if I persisted on living my life out of fear of what others might think of me.

With my personal jewellery design shop I wished to challenge the way I perceived flaws, imperfections and other interpersonal differences. By embracing and accepting my edges, instead of fearing them, I can reclaim the disowned parts of myself, and create a strong foundation for acceptance of what I ordinary deny, hide and push away

If I can refrain from defining myself in terms of what is expected of me, I can let go of who I think I should be, in order to be who I truly am.

I’m not a perfect porcelain doll. I’m vulnerable, complex and edged. I have been broken so many times. I’m full of cracks, flaws and scars. But every edge is part of my unique distinctiveness. They define, complete and unite me. They are my greatest gift as they give me strength and character. If I dare to worship the beauty of my inner edges and imperfections and adorn myself with them, I can reclaim my authenticity, and become more whole, more powerful and more true. This can seem frightening, but in reality it is freeing. I refuse to let fear and shame govern my life anymore.

I’m still a work in progress, but I’m confident now, knowing I have my jewellery craft to remind me that my beauty, strength and uniqueness lies within my inner edges.

(c)

014

Hi hon! Ang saya ko ngayon hon. Alam mo tinawagan ako ng SMART at pumasa ako sa interview for job offer na ako tsaka requirements. Grabe hon ansaya. Ikaw agad naalala ko :( gusto kita itext. Nasanay kasi ako na ikaw yung unang nakakaalam ng mga happiness ko. Nalungkot ako nung naisip ko na hindi na pala kita pwedeng istorbohin. Mahal, ang saya ko. Alam mo ba mag aaral na akong mag driving? Naalala mo ba? Diba pangarap ko to? :) ang swerte ko may Papa ako na anjan para suportahan ako. Miss na kita Mahal. Andame kong gustong ikwento sayo. Kumusta ka na kaya?

Dear Current Self

Dear Current Self,

You've been striving very hard to be the slave of perfection. You've been pretending real fine to be the best girl in the family. You've been sick dealing with people you didn't know what's the most proper act on how to cope up with, for they all sucked with their different maladies. You've been trying to be that successful lady wannabe. You've been working all day proving yourself to people around you. You've been perfectly hiding your sincerest emotions to your own kind of mysterious jar. You've been reaching out higher than what you can really do to be the coolest others could see. You've been rising as if you were the firmest woman on town but actually you're stumbling upon your weaknesses. You've been running to the roads that'll lead you to what is righteous for others but what you really want is to walk the path of acceptance no matter how many rocks could block your way. You've been exhausted, begging to take a rest from adjustments the society obliging you. You've been longing for appreciation just for your simple capabilities.

I've been watching you for a while and as I could see, you've been jumping to someone you're really not. Hey, let me remind you this, be yourself. Don't put yourself under pressure for the norms of your surroundings. Don't mind other's criticisms, we all possessed that one of a kind individuality. Don't let anybody dictate your role. Don't be that most flawless creation, people have been dying to put their shoes off. Get a life. Have a life. Experience life.

Dear, tear off that mask now. You are human, right? Know your worth. Never devalue oneself. Be who you are.

Love,
Your Future Self

013

Ayos pala. Andame kong nakausap. Ikaw nakakausap mo yung nga ayaw ko, ngayon, sinubukan kong gawin pero ikaw parin ang kinukwento ko sa kanila. Mahal na mahal talaga kira noh? Ayoko silang manligaw kasi gusto ko ikaw lang. Kaso masaya ka na. Bakit pa kita guguluhin diba? Ang hirap magpanggap. Sobra. Kumusta ka na kaya?

012

Nakita ko yung nga comments nyo ng babaeng ayaw na ayaw ko. Ang saya mo naman. Naiinggit ako sayo. Nakakainggit na ikaw sobrang saya ako eto talunan. Nagluluksa. Hindi ko to deserve mahal :( kaya tong araw na to, pipilitin ko. Pipilitin kong lumabas sa comfort zone ko.

To The Woman Who Died And Left Me Limp Hearted

On that rainy Wednesday night when I walked into the hospital room the brightest smile lightened across your face like a thunderbolt as I sat on a wobbly chair next to the old bed. I was upset because you had asked for a bagel and I didn’t feel like walking to the bakery. I was late too because I had to stop by the mall to but a new jacket.

Planning yet another trip that December took up most of my  thoughts for absolutely no reason under than feeding that insatiable need to travel;  to race like a madman up and down the world nothing but a shadow of my own ego-  stamp my passport with beautiful countries that I will never really get to know,  so many things needed to be said about my crazy life and you always loved to listen.

Travelers are a dangerous sort. We’re so used to the escape that we forget how to sit down enjoy life, we forget what grounds us and we never should.
I was there that Wednesday night in that hospital room, I felt every splinter in that chair, every oxygen mask hanging persistently from the wall and mocking the air we take for granted, every tube and pipe coming in and out of your weakened body, and yet all you did was listen to my incoherent ramblings about places you will never see, days you will never welcome and sunshine that will never burn your fragile skin again.
You were dying and I was bragging about life.

A picture next to your bed was inviting and it took us back to the day that we will never lose; the day when all was lost but felt exactly as it should.. it wasn’t a journey, it was nothing but you and me on top of the world. The evening was foggy and the city sprawling under our feet on the top floor of Rockefeller Center could have been any; city or the prairie. The little girl next to us with curly hair and peculiar eyes was walking around the endless jungles of Amazon, swimming with crocodiles and swaying with the trees, I was flying my way over the oceans and you decided to stroll down Unter den Linden. And if there were no jungles and no oceans, nor your beloved Berlin’s boulevard of lime trees, if none of that is real and if we’re really just falling..the city is always here to catch us.

As you’re strolling down Unter den Linden holding on firmly to your husband’s hand, I wonder what the world must have looked like back then, no GPS, no phones and just a few custom officers at midnight holding you for hours as you were trying to enter West Berlin. You have a lot of faith in your newlywed spouse, and you know you will soon find a phone and call your family to let them know you safely reached your final destination. The car is filled with maps and books, empty paper coffee cups and cigarette buds and it smells of your Chanel and so many stories waiting to be told.

The hotel itself was nothing much but what you had was everything – waking up in Berlin.

The city has that certain blasé charm that swipes you off your feet the second you smell alluringly heavy breakfast mixed with tobacco across the streets of Kreuzberg. After all, this is your Honeymoon and it’s going to be as carefree or laden as you want it. With boot-cut jeans happily dancing around the puddles on both sides of the wall, the city remains divided for far too long.

The girl sitting next to you was desperately trying to keep her head above the imaginary line between heavy cigarette smoke and oxygen; for a second it seemed like there was a line until it all blended together in a synchronizing cloud of smoke, blocking the view from the window. It was rainy and gloomy, as it so often is in the city on the shores of Spree but nothing ever silences the music and turmoil, after all it is never peace that creates art of any kind.

The girl’s name was Nina and she was as vibrant and enchanting as everyone should be when they’re turning 21; the crazy childhood rants are far behind and the world awaits to be conquered by yet another fresh and brisk mind full of ideas and creative drive. It makes you wanna rub off against her and catch it while it’s still there, and so you did as she took you on a free tour of the city.  The streets rolled by one by one, all the seasons changed in one day as Nina was talking about her paintings; the attractive story of a busy street corner and a young girl with big dreams.

She owned a small gallery across the street from an old U-Bahn station and the two of you owned her heart.

You were curious and in love and she didn’t know what that was like. Her paintings took up most of her energy so that very little was left for romance. She diligently finished every single one she ever started but there was only one left unfinished because love dared to mettle with art- the one she started painting from a foggy window from the pew of an old bistro on Unter den Linden. As Nina got to know a charming young man who approached her asking for light, she was too busy rushing off to explore yet unknown and daring part of her heart, leaving the painting in sketches and drafts; nothing but a few lines of blue and pink where the sky meets the blossoms of lime trees. Love, to which she gave so much, left her behind with so little. But watching you left her hopeful.

Your husband was taking long drags of fresh tobacco next to you and you never did as much as wave your hand in a disapproving motion. You didn’t mind, he had an old olive green car and a heart of gold. After a split second of looking into his eyes, you knew he would be there holding your hand till the very end and he did, never scratching a single nip on your fragile heart.

When you wake up tomorrow after the rain and all is quiet but the sound of your own soul, you will know the quiet around you won’t last forever either; music will start playing, feet walking, heels clicking in a gallop on hot city asphalt, kids will start yelling and neighbors chatting on a balcony over your head, and you will go quiet because strange voices silence the beating of your heart. And you will remember Nina and her reckless love affair that wrecked her art.

Suddenly everything feels right as you drive back home, decades of relentless time passing by and piling on top of each other; each as turbulent and alive as the next one.
I feel like you drove straight back into that hospital room as your eyes were slowly closing down, counting the ending flutters of eyelashes.
I promised myself I would find a way to fix things but I couldn’t.

You died on a Friday morning and I stayed under the lindens in Berlin.

Listening to you just like you always listened to me, waiting patiently to hear the rest of the stories stuck in the olive green car between the piles of crumbled city maps and broken ashtray, soaked in your Chanel No.5.
The fog cleared out on the top floor of the Rockefeller Center and it was clear as day that the city under our feet could not have been imagined any more. It was as dark and hectic and almost as distant as Berlin but we never felt closer.

You made a promise that day and so did I, to never stop wandering no matter the circumstances and mundane, the reality and harshness and the river of tears you cry for someone. And I never will stop dreaming, telling you stories and crossing oceans.

From time to time I feel like I had already lived this life before because I know myself too well and even though I don’t know why some stories begin, I know why some never end.


(c)

011

I miss you. Miss you so bad. Nagpunta ako sa National Museum. Masarap din palang mag isa noh? Ganito pala yung feeling. Namiss kita, naiiyak ako habang iniisip kita. Lahat ng alaala natin sa Manila, sa Luneta, Chinese Garden, sa LRT, sa Quiapo lahat ng lugar. Ang sakit mahal. Ang sakit. Ang sama mo sakin hon. Sobrang sama mo sakin. Bakit mo ko sinaktan ng ganito.

010

Interview at exam ko ngayon sa BPI, ganito ang eksena...
HR: So you love hiking, what makes you interested on that?
ME: Its not what Maam, its who. The one I love the most. We used to hike together.
Hays. Ikaw parin. Ikaw parin talaga. Ikaw parin sa lahat ng bagay, pero mukhang ako, wala lang sayo...

009

Hi honey! Alam mo namiss kita. Lalo na't nagpunta ako sa LEMCON, diba dun ka nag OJT? :) Naaalala ko pinuntagan kita doon. Naalala ko din hinintay kita sa Waltermart-Jollibee. Namiss kita hon, hanggang ngayon depressed parin ako. Hindi ko alam paano magsisimula ulit.

The Food Lab

with Sahara

008

Hahaha! Ang sakit. Ang sakit sakit. Gusto mo akong maging friend nalang? Hahaha! Grabe ang sama sama ng loob ko sayo! Napakaselfish mo! Kausapin mo nalang ako, bibitawan naman kita pag gusto mo.

006

Hi. After 6years pinagupitan ko yung buhok ko. Ang ikli na. Dati kahit 1 inch lang takot na akong ipabawas ngayon, hindi ako nag dalawang isip pabawasan kahit gaano pa kaikli yan. Noon, hindi ako naniniwala at nakokornihan ako doon sa mga nagpapagupit kapag nabroken hearted. Sabi ko pa nga nun, bakit nila dinadamay yung buhok. Ngayon, totoo pala. Hahaha! Darating pala ako sa point na yung buhok pala yung mapagtitripan mo kapag malungkot ka. Huling pagupit ko nung iniwan din ako nung naging jowa ko nung high school. Hindi ko akalain na mauulit pa pala yun. Grabe noh? Sobra pala akong nasasaktan. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, magiging palatandaan to ng sakit na nararamdaman ko ngayon kapag humaba na to ibig sabihin matagal na mula nung nasaktan ako ng sobra. Ang tindi mo! :) yung isa sa pinakamahalaga sakin ngayon balewala na.

007

Thank you! Kinilig ako. Akala ko kasi hindi mo ako rereplyan. Akala ko dedma lang yung text ko. Ingat ka sa hike! Katampo kasi di mo ko sinama. Hehehe.

005

Mahal. Namimiss kita. Sobrang bigat ng pakiramdam ko ngayon. Mukha mo yung nakikita ko sa lahat ng tao. Yung mga bagay at lugar na nagpapaalala sa akin sayo, naiiyak ako. Kanina, nagpunta ako ako may Boni-MRT kasi may interview ako doon, alam mo naalala kita. Tuwing hinihintay mo ako sa MRT yung kumakaway kapa sa taas na nakangiti tapos yayakapin ako pag andyan na ako. Yung mga moment na kumakain tayo sa MRT station ng Fried noodles na paborito natin bago tayo sumakay ng bus pauwi at kapag maaga pa, tumatambay muna tayo doon tapos nagkukwentuhan, yung waiting area ng Boni Station kung saan madalas tayong pumwesto kapag nag aaway tayo, doon din yung pwesto kung saan hinihintay mo akong makasakay at nakangiti kapa pag sasakay na ako at magbababye ka. Mahal ko, napakahirap. Nakikita ko lahat yun kanina at umiiyak ako. Ang sakit. Kasi naging memories nalang siya ngayon.

Ang saya ko ng konti. Nireplyan mo kasi ako. Kahit maliit na bagay lang yon, happy ako. Ingat ka sa hiking mo ha? Salamat honey.

004

Mahal, ngayong araw na to dinelete ko na yung picture natin sa featured photo ko sa facebook. Ang hirap honeyko :'( pero kailangan ko tong gawin.

003

Happy Graduation! Graduate ka nangayon. Nakita uli kita.Ang gwapo mo  talaga. Ang saya ko nakita kitang grumaduate, ang saya ko, kasi ang sayasaya mo. Nakamayan kita pero mukhang  di ka naman masayang makita ako. Ok lang :) naiintindihan ko. Napaka distant mo sa akin, ok lang sanay na ako. Tinupad ko lang talaga pangako ko sayo noon. Na kahit anong mangyare, pupunta ako sa graduation mo. Yun na yung huli Yvan. Na gagawin kong kawawa at tanga sarili ko sa harap mo at sa harap ng maraming taong nakakakilala saken. Tatanggapin ko. Kasi hulina to. Dito na nagtatapos ang pagiging girlfriend ko sayo. Tinupad ko na yung pangako ko.

Salamat sa pag akbay mo sakin. Kinilig ako ng slight. Ang bango mo. Naramdaman ko nanaman yung yakap mo. Habang kumakain ka, sinusulyapan kita. Ang gwapo mo talaga. Yang mukhang yan namamimis ko ng sobra sobra. Yung mukhang matititigan ko sa huling pagkakataon. Hindi ko alam kung kailan pa ang susunod. Mahal, mahal na mahal kita. Habang nakatingin ako sayo, masayang Masaya ako kasi alam kong masaya ka sa narating mo ngayon.

Mahal. Ito na yung huli. Marahil ito na talaga yung huling pagkakataong makikita mong nagpapakatanga ako sa iyo. Pagod na ako Mahal ko. Pahinga na muna ako.

002

"Tanga mo"

"Bobo mo"

"Stupida ka"

"Hindi ka na niya mahal"

"Wag ka ng umasa"

"Nakakaawa ka"

"Nakakasawa na mga kwento mo"

"Moveon na"

At marami pang iba.Ganyan nila ako pag sabihan ngayong araw.Mga linyang yan na tumatak sa isip ko. Di ko namalayang umiiyak na pala akosa bus. Depressed na ako. Down na down na ako. Masakit marinig na sinasabihan ako ng ganyan kaso wala akong magawa kundi mahalin ka parin.

001

Ayan tinanggal ko na yung singsing. Yung sing sing na simbolo ng pagsisimula ng lovestory natin. Napakasignificant  satin  ng singsing na yun. Ilang beses ng muntikang mawala pero bumabalik parin. Ngayon, sinadya ko na. Sinadya kong tanggalin para masanay ako. Parang yung sitwasyon ko, na gusto ko masanay akong wala ka na. Ay hindi ko pala gusto, kailangan ko. Kailangan ko para hindi nadin kita kulitin.

May 5, 2016

Why life always do this to me? Why I can’t be happy as I want to be? It’s been 5 months since I became miserable like this. Why the heck this life always pissed me off? Everything in my life is in a mess right now. My life has nothing to offer but loneliness. I can’t take this anymore. I really don’t want to live in this life that’s full of mess. No one knows what I’m struggling right now. All they knew is I’m happy, I’m alright, I’m peaceful. But the truth is, behind those smile, is the woman who cries herself at night just to fall asleep, a woman who’s in her own battlefield, a woman who’s heart is broken but still can be able to smile, a woman who’s heart is overloaded of sadness but can still be able to offer a help, a woman who cannot solve her own problem but can still manage to solve her friends problem. I always asked God “WHY”. Indeed, I can’t take this anymore. I’m emotionally and mentally dead. It’s been 5 months since I felt this and nothing change every day. When I woke up, everything gets worst. No one stay beside me. I’m depressed. I really can’t take this anymore. I wanna die.

An open-letter to my Mr. Almost

To Mr. Almost,

Hi good day! I saw you last Wednesday, May 4, 2016. I’m sitting at RTU’s promenade, waiting for my friends and then to my shock, I saw you. You’re still a handsome guy I’ve met 5 years ago. When I saw you, my heart beats faster and louder. I ran to chase you (even if I’m wearing high heels) and there! I called you “hon” and our eyes met. I fall inlove with you again. It’s like our first meeting at RTU’s OB Gym way back 6 years ago. Yes, I still remember the first time we’ve met. And then I follow you at the computer shop, I’m so happy because you’re sitting beside me. You’re on your way home and still, I keep on following you. I don’t wanna missed the chance having you here again, in front of me.

You’re mad. I know you are. I can see it in your eyes that’s why you didn’t wanna talk to me. I remember those memories on this road we used to take for 4 years. Those times we’re walking, holding hands and laughing. I also remember the first time you sent me to the terminal, it’s the same road we’re crossing today but now, everything is different between us. Those couple whose happily inlovewalkig by on that street, now, they we’re strangers again. You didn’t talk to me & whenever I asked questions you keep on telling me we don’t need to talk. I followed you until you ride a bus. I still begged for an answer “why did you leave me” and then you said you didn’t love me anymore and i don’t deserve you. I was crying in the whole trip because I didn’t believe of what you’ve said. I can see it in your eyes honey. Maybe your love for me seems fading but I know there’s still love even a little. Your eyes can’t lie. I asked you if I can hug you and you allow me. I was so very happy and yet emotional. I was crying as I hug you because I’m longing for you so much. For almost a month here you are. I’m hugging you so tight. I miss you so bad, I do really miss you that’s why I hugged you so tight and wish if we could stay for that moment and never last. I really miss you and I don’t wanna let go of that warm embrace. Your smell, your body that I was longing for, oh man! You’re driving me crazy again. After that, I saw you sleeping. I keep on starring at you and talk to myself “damn! This man is my world. My whole world and I can’t imagine myself not growing old with him”

As I stare at you, I knew in my heart that it was you. It was you I will marry someday, it was you who will be the father of my children, it was you whom I could spent my lifetime with. I knew it in my heart that someday, when God’s time happen, a perfect time rather, I know our paths will cross again. Maybe today we need to grow apart, maybe today we need to find ourselves, maybe today we need to be responsible on our own and someday when the right time comes, I know, I do know that it’s still you I will be seeing in front of the altar. I have this faith that it is still you and me till the end. I’ll be waiting for you Mr. Almost! Take care always because I know we’ll get married someday. I love you! See you at our wedding day!

You Don’t Deserve Someone Who Comes Back, You Deserve Someone Who Never Leaves

I used to wonder about people coming back after they’ve decided to leave. I used to wait for the day they come back and realize that they messed up or realize that life is miserable without me. But then I realized that better than all this mess is someone who never leaves.

Someone who never leaves when you hit bumps in the road, someone who never leaves when the rain starts falling down on you, someone who never leaves no matter how many other people are trying to get their attention, someone who chooses to stay every single day.

You deserve someone who never leaves when you tell them about the things you did that you’re ashamed of and the things that happened to you that you promised not to tell anyone. When you tell them about the things you really don’t like about yourself and the things you hated about your past. You deserve someone who never leaves no matter how dark it gets.

You deserve someone who never leaves when you tell them how much you love them, how much you really want to make them happy and how they make you feel something no else made you feel before. How they are special to you and how you really just want to spend your days looking at them and spend your nights sleeping in their arms.

You deserve someone who stays no matter how passionately you display your love and how fearlessly you show your emotions. You deserve someone who is not afraid of the way you love them.

You deserve someone who never leaves even if they found a better job or made more money or bought a fancier car. Someone who never leaves when they’re at their best, when they can get anyone they want but still choose you, when they don’t even care about exploring all these other ‘options’ to realize your worth because they know what they have and they know that you are one of a kind. You deserve someone who makes you believe that some people can stay.

You deserve someone who never leaves when things are not that exciting, when life becomes overwhelming for you to handle, when you are tired all the time, when you’re lost and confused and don’t know what to do next, when you keep doubting yourself and your capabilities. You deserve someone who reminds you of how you survived, someone who reminds you of your strength, someone who reminds you of your greatness and someone who reminds you that even though you can make it on your own, they want to be there, they don’t want you to be alone this time and they want to fight your battles with you.

Even though we all have that one person we wish could come back, what we really should wish for is someone who never leaves. Someone who left before could leave again but someone who could’ve left but decided to stay is exactly the kind of person you need to be with – is exactly the kind of person you deserve to be with.


(c)

34 Ways To Get Over Someone

1. Stop allowing your thoughts of them to only be the nostalgic, pleasant ones — find how much you dislike remembering the negatives when you force yourself to do so.


2. Re-invest in friends that you might have neglected when in the throes of a consuming relationship.

3. Remember how much you loved these friends, how much was good about your own relationships together, and how much you can just be you around them.

4. Start doing all of the things, and embracing the parts of your personality, that you had to put on hold when you were with them.

5. Listen to a lot of good, sad, happy, wonderful music and don’t spend the entire song looking for an obscure connection with what you had together. Sometimes a song is just a song.

6. Embrace the fact that you will think of them from time to time, and that you don’t have to run from those thoughts, but you also don’t have to feed them like an ugly little pet.

7. Focus, more than anything else, on being a good person — and understanding that such a person exists outside of a couple.

8. Splurge on a vase of nice flowers to put somewhere sunny.


9. Remember that you can still have orgasms — really awesome ones — without the help of anyone else, and that remaining connected to your body is nothing to be ashamed of.

10. Go on dates with the intention of simply having a good time, and not with grandiose expectations of something this is going to ‘replace’ or ‘live up to.’

11. Take a long bath with a glass of wine and realize how amazing the combination of a light buzz and soaking in hot water is.

12. Look in the mirror for a long time and pick out the things you really love, the things that you had let yourself forget about.

13. Watch good movies that make you cry, and realize that crying doesn’t have to be reserved for only one thing in your life.

14. Be realistic about why it ended.

15. Dance around your room naked, cook naked (though nothing with hot oil!), just hang out in general naked. Be naked. Naked!

16. Talk about it with friends if you need to, but don’t become an endless monologue following them around about your failed relationship. Learn to be concise with your feelings, and realize that the longer you go on about it, the more you are inevitably thinking about it.


17. Watch silly kids’ cartoons and eat bowls of cereal in your pajamas.

18. Go to a movie or eat dinner in a restaurant by yourself and realize that you can enjoy your own company — that you don’t have to worry that everyone is pitying you.

19. Get rid of them on social media, at least for a while. Creeping on them (or even giving yourself the opportunity to creep in a weaker moment) isn’t good for anyone.

20. Take a long walk around your city and just do fun, lazy errands like going to a bakery or picking out a new knick-knack for your apartment. Allow yourself to take the pleasure in small, everyday things.

21. Don’t worry about ‘winning’ the breakup. You’re not going to become the first ballerina president astronaut unicorn by the next time they look at your Facebook, so don’t waste time trying.

22. Work on being civil with their new significant other, whenever they should arise — they are not the devil, no matter how convenient that would be to your storyline.


23. Listen to “Teenage Dirtbag” by Wheatus on full volume and dance around. Because there is no situation which doing that doesn’t improve.

24. Don’t concern yourself with when your next relationship is going to come along. It’s a cliché that “love comes when you aren’t looking for it,” but it’s certainly not going to come when you’re chasing it around like a junkie.

25. Go out and have fun amongst friends, without worrying about impressing anyone.

26. Redecorate your room. Find interesting new ways to adapt to a space that seems completely dedicated to “before.”

27. Take a long drive with the windows down and no place in particular to go (within reason, gas is expensive).

28. Stop torturing yourself by poring over all your old conversations, texts, gifts, and everything that now exists only to upset you and make the entire past seem irrationally rosy.

29. Read a new book that pulls you so far into its world that you have a much-needed reprieve from your own.

30. Set up an OKCupid profile, if only just to browse around and feel a little ego boost from the messages you receive.

31. Don’t date someone seriously if they are just a rebound — no one deserves to be led on like that.

32. Learn to make a new recipe. Find that using your hands, making something from scratch, and enjoying eating it without guilt is an incredibly satisfying experience.

33. Listen to new music, music to be associated only with you and your awesome new life.

34. Realize that it’s not going to happen overnight, and you can’t force it, but (as with everything else), it will improve — and hating yourself in the meantime isn’t going to help anything. TC mark


(c)

Letting Go of Love

Have you been dumped, betrayed or left so heartbroken that you didn't ever want to love again? Are you still stuck on an ex and don't know how to move on? And how do you know when it's time to let go and look for love somewhere else? Dr. Phil has advice:

If you're "the other woman" who's waiting for a man to leave his lover, don't waste your time. "If he'll do it with you, he'll do it to you," Dr. Phil says. The man you want lacks integrity and can't make a commitment.

Are your standards too low? Dr. Phil asks a guest who's waiting around for a man that's let her down time and again: "What is it about you that causes you to settle for somebody that you know will cheat on you, know will lie to you, know will make a commitment and then break it? What is it about you that you believe about yourself that you're willing to settle for that?" Recognize that you're settling and that you deserve more. Set a higher standard for yourself.

Does he really even make you happy? Be honest with yourself about the extent to which he's really meeting your needs. Chances are you're longing for the relationship that you wish it could be, and that you want to be in love with the person you wish he was. Dr. Phil reminds a guest: "There are times when you break up with somebody and you start missing them and you start thinking about all the good things. And then you're back with them for about 10 minutes and you go 'Oh yeah! Now I remember why I hate you!'" Don't kid yourself about what it was really like or glorify the past.

Don't wait around because you think he's going to change. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, so the chance that he's going to ride in on his white horse and do the right thing is pretty slim. Dr. Phil explains, "To the extent that there's some history, you don't have to speculate, you just have to measure."

Don't put your life on hold. Every minute you spend focusing on your ex is a minute that's holding you back from a better future. Dr. Phil tells his guest, "As long you are obsessed on this guy, you will never put your heart, soul and mind into getting your life in order and starting another relationship if you want one." Set some goals and start putting your life back together.

Ask yourself: Are you hiding in the relationship so you don't have to face the reality of being on your own? Don't stay with someone because it's comfortable and safe. It may seem more secure, but it's not healthy for you and it certainly won't help you get to a better place. Why would you want to settle and waste your life away just to avoid getting back in the game?

Be clear with him. "You've got to say not just 'no,' but 'hell no,'" Dr. Phil tells his guest. "'Get out of my life. Stay away from me. Don't call me.'" If you live together, it's time to move out, or you may need to change your phone number. Dr. Phil reiterates: "Do what you have to do." If the circumstances are more complicated or severe, you may need to get a lawyer in order to get child support or to hold him accountable for any other outstanding issues.

Don't hold all men responsible for the mistake your ex made. Why should he pay for the sins of someone else who may have wronged you?

Learn to trust again — by trusting yourself. Dr. Phil tells a man who's having a hard time letting women back into his life: "Trust is not about how much you trust one person or another to do right or wrong. How much you trust another person is a function of how much you trust yourself to be strong enough to deal with their imperfections." Have enough faith in yourself to be able to put yourself on the line with someone, without any guarantee of what will happen next. If you're playing the game with sweaty palms, it's because you're afraid of what you can or can't do, or dealing with your own imperfections — it's not about the other person.

Know that you will get hurt if you're in a relationship. There is no perfect person without flaws. Even a well-intended guy is going to hurt his partner. He's going to hurt your feelings. He's going to say things that you don't want him to say. He's going to do things you wish he wouldn't do and not do things you wish he would do. A relationship is an imperfect union between two willing spirits who say, ''I'd rather be in a relationship and share my life, share my joys, share my fun, share my activities, share my life than do it alone." If you want to be in a relationship, know that getting hurt comes with the territory. You just have to decide that you are durable enough, that you have enough confidence in yourself that you can handle it.

Don't invest more than you can afford to lose. While it's important to move forward, you need to take things one step at a time. Don't put so much out there that you'll be emotionally bankrupt if things go south.

Don't beat yourself up. You got through your last experience, you've learned from it, and now it's time to move forward. Dr. Phil tells his guest, "You'll move on and be a champion in your next endeavor as you did in your past ... Life is not a success-only journey. You are going to get beat up along the way."

Focus on yourself. All of us come into relationships with baggage, but you need to have closure on past experiences before you can start a new relationship with the odds in your favor. Dr. Phil tells a guest who's had trouble with her father, her brother and two previous husbands: "Unless and until you've figured out everything you've got to figure out about that and you get closure, you will never come into a relationship with a fresh and clean heart and mind and expectancy and attitude." You're probably not ready to get into another relationship until you heal the wounds of your past.

Listen to what he's saying. If he's telling you that you want different things out of life and there's no way you can work as a couple, don't turn his words around into what you want to hear. He's being quite clear.

Know the statistics. Dr. Phil tells a guest who's waiting for her ex to come around: "There's a 50/50 chance a marriage is going to work if both people are head over heels in love, passionate and willing to climb the mountain, swim the river and slay the dragon to get to each other. That's with everybody crazy in love and running toward each other in that field that we see in the commercials. The problem you've got here is he's running the other way in the field! So if it's 50/50 when you're running toward each other, what do you think it is when the other person is running out of the field and hiding in the woods?"

(c)