Friday, December 23, 2016
I LOST MYSELF
Because I didn't want to lose him, I lost myself in the process. I became a girl who kept being mistreated and I formed a habit of saying "I'm used to it". I became a girl who kept being unappreciated and I began to tell myself "It's okay". I became a girl who kept being undervalued and I learned how to say "I'm fine". I became a girl who kept being put last and I naturally reacted with "It's whatever". I became a girl who kept being taken for granted and I dealt with it by repeating "Everything's okay". I became a girl who kept being unhappy and I regularly told people "I'm gonna be fine". And I need to understand that no guy is worth losing myself for, no guy is worth suffering for at the expense of my happiness, and no guy is worth tormenting myself over for the sake of making him happy. At this point, perhaps losing him is the only way I'd be able to get myself back because as much as I wouldn't want this to be true, he's the only thing that's in my way of finding myself and he's the only reason I've lost myself for so long.
Thursday, December 22, 2016
An open letter to the guy I never chose
You were the guy who saw me at my worst yet treated me like I was the best thing he ever had. As cliché as it sounds, you were everything at once yet nothing at all. You came at a time when I was emotionally unstable. Hurting. Indecisive even, of the things that I wanted but you set all of those aside and chose to love the little that was left of me.
You knew from the start that you are not my first option. You never were. But you still persevered to build me up piece by piece, to listen to my endless rants, to hear my 2am thoughts, and to be the silver lining of all the hurting. You were the miracle that happened to me just like how Margo was to Q, how Agustus was to Hazel, or even how Tris was to Four. You were the breath of fresh air that I needed after drowning in the deep waters too long that I felt numb. Numb of pain I actually felt. Numb until I learned to breathe again.
You were my 11:11. The small detail of my day that managed to make a very big impact to my life. Then I thought, what if I met you before him? Maybe I wouldn’t have been the train wreck you’ve stumbled upon. Maybe I would’ve been happier. Maybe I would’ve been the one to take care of you instead of the other way around. Maybe I wouldn’t have hurt you the way I did when he came back.
I chose him over you. The guy who hurt me. The guy who left me. Suddenly I let go of your caring arms and ran back to the forest I once got lost in. Getting pricked by the same thorns that once scraped my bare feet. But I continued running. Away from the home I have come to know as my own. But maybe that’s just how it works. How people are drawn to the things that hurt them. How we take the important things for granted how we only gratify the things we love when they’re gone. But it isn’t.
I was stupid. Stupid to leave you the way he left me. The way I chased my dreams when I already have what was meant for me. The way I saw your face as I left you for another. The way I never chose you and always came back running to him. But it’s too late for regrets. Too late to say sorry. Too late to come back home. And too late to let me fix you the way you fixed me.
You know what? He broke me once again. He broke the strings inside me the same way he broke his guitar strings whenever he played. Maybe if I had chosen you I would never have to build myself again. To start the process all over again, but only this time, I was alone. Away from your warmth. Away from your sweet caress. And away from your conforming words. Because you finally made up your mind that you deserve someone better than me. And you were right. Right that I was never worthy of the love that you made me feel. To be trusted with such a fragile heart that I ended up shattering. To be given a piece in your life yet choose to depart from it.
Someday, I hope she’ll love you unlike the way I did. I hope she’ll treasure you unlike the way I did.
I hope she’ll never leave you the way I did. And..I hope she’ll chose you like the way I never did.
Lang Paninindigan
You knew from the start that you are not my first option. You never were. But you still persevered to build me up piece by piece, to listen to my endless rants, to hear my 2am thoughts, and to be the silver lining of all the hurting. You were the miracle that happened to me just like how Margo was to Q, how Agustus was to Hazel, or even how Tris was to Four. You were the breath of fresh air that I needed after drowning in the deep waters too long that I felt numb. Numb of pain I actually felt. Numb until I learned to breathe again.
You were my 11:11. The small detail of my day that managed to make a very big impact to my life. Then I thought, what if I met you before him? Maybe I wouldn’t have been the train wreck you’ve stumbled upon. Maybe I would’ve been happier. Maybe I would’ve been the one to take care of you instead of the other way around. Maybe I wouldn’t have hurt you the way I did when he came back.
I chose him over you. The guy who hurt me. The guy who left me. Suddenly I let go of your caring arms and ran back to the forest I once got lost in. Getting pricked by the same thorns that once scraped my bare feet. But I continued running. Away from the home I have come to know as my own. But maybe that’s just how it works. How people are drawn to the things that hurt them. How we take the important things for granted how we only gratify the things we love when they’re gone. But it isn’t.
I was stupid. Stupid to leave you the way he left me. The way I chased my dreams when I already have what was meant for me. The way I saw your face as I left you for another. The way I never chose you and always came back running to him. But it’s too late for regrets. Too late to say sorry. Too late to come back home. And too late to let me fix you the way you fixed me.
You know what? He broke me once again. He broke the strings inside me the same way he broke his guitar strings whenever he played. Maybe if I had chosen you I would never have to build myself again. To start the process all over again, but only this time, I was alone. Away from your warmth. Away from your sweet caress. And away from your conforming words. Because you finally made up your mind that you deserve someone better than me. And you were right. Right that I was never worthy of the love that you made me feel. To be trusted with such a fragile heart that I ended up shattering. To be given a piece in your life yet choose to depart from it.
Someday, I hope she’ll love you unlike the way I did. I hope she’ll treasure you unlike the way I did.
I hope she’ll never leave you the way I did. And..I hope she’ll chose you like the way I never did.
Lang Paninindigan
Monday, December 19, 2016
BLESSED TO BLESS (Zechariah 8:1-23)
Blessing is the projection of good into the life of another. It isn't just words. It's the actual putting forth of your will for the good of another person. It always involves God, because when you will the good of another person, you realize only God is capable of bringing that. So we naturally say, "God bless you."
Last December 18, 2016, the main highlight in my 23 years of existence happens. My boyfriend's brother named, Ysmael organized the event called "BAG Project" BAG means Be-A-Giver. When Kuya Ysh told me about the event, I wasn't hesitant and immediately asked for details and volunteered to lead the registration team. Also, I was asked to sing on the event together with my friend, Ener. Again, I wasn't hesitant even if I'm unsure of my voice. HAHAHA!
A night before the event, I came to my boyfriend's house to help them packed those stuffs to be given to the 35 children of Meysulao, Calumpit Bulacan. Then, at exactly 8:30am we arrived on the meeting place.
1pm the estimated time we arrived at the church, the venue of the said event. We pray, draw , sing , dance and talk to those children and their parents. I found myself happy for making them happy. It was a fulfillment for me. Able to help the needy is much blessing.
You can bless someone when you will their good under the invocation of God. You invoke God on their behalf to support the good that you will for them. This is the nature of blessing. It is what we are to receive from God and then give to another.
Now we need to deepen that just a little bit, because it isn't just a verbal performance. It isn't "bless you" said through gritted teeth. It's a generous outpouring of our whole being into blessing the other person. So, among other things, you don't want to hurry a blessing. It becomes a habit that we say thoughtlessly, "God bless." Well, that's better than a lot of other things we could say, but we want to be able to put our whole self into our blessing. That is something we need to be thoughtful about. We don't just rattle off a blessing. It's a profoundly personal and powerful act.
Thank God for it! When you try to improve on it, you realize you are not going to make much headway. Glory is meant to be shared from God to human beings. Glory always shines.
Blessings are for sharing. It is easy for people to receive blessings and enjoy them for themselves. Ironically, though, blessings can distract us from God and into ourselves. But blessings are given to us so that we might produce more fruit, and if we don’t, there is a word of warning here. Blessings are a sign of God’s grace — his goodness to us even though we don’t deserve it — not a reward for good works. We need to use them in the way that God wants.
Grace is given to us so that we will bear fruit for God and for other people, so that we might help others and become a blessing to others. Grace enables us to become a conduit of God’s love and grace and blessing to others. Just as he has loved us, we should also love others. Just as he has been forgiving toward us, we should be forgiving toward others. Just as he has been generous with us, we should be generous with others. The good things God gives us should be used to serve others. Let us think about how we might use our physical blessings for God’s glory. We all have spiritual blessings, too, and we need to think about how God may want us to bear fruit with those, to use them for the common good (1 Corinthians 12:7). Blessings are wonderful, and as God’s people, we can learn how to share them with others, just as God shares his good gifts with us.
I'm happy that I became part of this successful charitable event. I'm proud to be one of BAG project team. :) Looking forward for more years to help the needy! I'm willing to give the best that I can. I'm BLESSED TO BLESS. That's the greatest and best gift this Christmas. ^_^
Like BAG Project team on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/BAG-Project-319477424799157/
Last December 18, 2016, the main highlight in my 23 years of existence happens. My boyfriend's brother named, Ysmael organized the event called "BAG Project" BAG means Be-A-Giver. When Kuya Ysh told me about the event, I wasn't hesitant and immediately asked for details and volunteered to lead the registration team. Also, I was asked to sing on the event together with my friend, Ener. Again, I wasn't hesitant even if I'm unsure of my voice. HAHAHA!
A night before the event, I came to my boyfriend's house to help them packed those stuffs to be given to the 35 children of Meysulao, Calumpit Bulacan. Then, at exactly 8:30am we arrived on the meeting place.
at the registration area
1pm the estimated time we arrived at the church, the venue of the said event. We pray, draw , sing , dance and talk to those children and their parents. I found myself happy for making them happy. It was a fulfillment for me. Able to help the needy is much blessing.
Me and my friend Ener sing "Christmas in our hearts"
video of our performance (HAHA): https://www.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1209378609142363&id=319477424799157
Pray over each family.
BAG Project team sing and dance with the kids
You can bless someone when you will their good under the invocation of God. You invoke God on their behalf to support the good that you will for them. This is the nature of blessing. It is what we are to receive from God and then give to another.
Now we need to deepen that just a little bit, because it isn't just a verbal performance. It isn't "bless you" said through gritted teeth. It's a generous outpouring of our whole being into blessing the other person. So, among other things, you don't want to hurry a blessing. It becomes a habit that we say thoughtlessly, "God bless." Well, that's better than a lot of other things we could say, but we want to be able to put our whole self into our blessing. That is something we need to be thoughtful about. We don't just rattle off a blessing. It's a profoundly personal and powerful act.
draw with the kids (how do they described their family)
Thank God for it! When you try to improve on it, you realize you are not going to make much headway. Glory is meant to be shared from God to human beings. Glory always shines.
Blessings are for sharing. It is easy for people to receive blessings and enjoy them for themselves. Ironically, though, blessings can distract us from God and into ourselves. But blessings are given to us so that we might produce more fruit, and if we don’t, there is a word of warning here. Blessings are a sign of God’s grace — his goodness to us even though we don’t deserve it — not a reward for good works. We need to use them in the way that God wants.
children from Meysulao sings "Give thanks"
Grace is given to us so that we will bear fruit for God and for other people, so that we might help others and become a blessing to others. Grace enables us to become a conduit of God’s love and grace and blessing to others. Just as he has loved us, we should also love others. Just as he has been forgiving toward us, we should be forgiving toward others. Just as he has been generous with us, we should be generous with others. The good things God gives us should be used to serve others. Let us think about how we might use our physical blessings for God’s glory. We all have spiritual blessings, too, and we need to think about how God may want us to bear fruit with those, to use them for the common good (1 Corinthians 12:7). Blessings are wonderful, and as God’s people, we can learn how to share them with others, just as God shares his good gifts with us.
with Pastor
the main highlight of the event, gift giving
BAG Project Team
#BlessedToBless
Like BAG Project team on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/BAG-Project-319477424799157/
Wednesday, December 7, 2016
UNHAPPY
Happiness. They said happiness is what you've created. Happiness starts with YOU. It MUST be start with you. But what if you can't create your own hapiness? What if there's something or someone holding back for your happiness? What will you do? Would you go away or just stay even if you're not treated right? What if it kills you every second of the day? Would you still chase for it? Would you still holding on for it , fight for it and pray for it? You know you're already in the end but you don't want to end it. You just keep on going. Keep on going even if you mistreated , neglected , abandoned and unloved. All you did is to cry every night. Having a bad feeling everyday and a heavy heart is totally can kill a person inside. Little by little I'm dying inside. I want to kill myself because I'm so worthless. I feel so stupid allowing this pain to kill me everytime.
Tuesday, December 6, 2016
TIME
***
So, thank you for those people who always make time with me. Also, thank you for this precious birthday gift. the best birthday gift I've ever received. I really want to have a watch and I'm thinking the reason why you gave me this. Thank you very much. Ikaw talaga yung maaalala ko dito kasi eto yung bagay na hindi mo kahit kelan pinagkait sakin na ibigay kahit na hindi tayo sobrang magkakilala yun ay yung ORAS mo. Maraming salamat, Kaibigan! :)
Thursday, December 1, 2016
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