UNHAPPY

Happiness. They said happiness is what you've created. Happiness starts with YOU. It MUST be start with you. But what if you can't create your own hapiness? What if there's something or someone holding back for your happiness? What will you do? Would you go away or just stay even if you're not treated right? What if it kills you every second of the day? Would you still chase for it? Would you still holding on for it , fight for it and pray for it? You know you're already in the end but you don't want to end it. You just keep on going. Keep on going even if you mistreated , neglected , abandoned and unloved. All you did is to cry every night. Having a bad feeling everyday and a heavy heart is totally can kill a person inside. Little by little I'm dying inside. I want to kill myself because I'm so worthless. I feel so stupid allowing this pain to kill me everytime.

TIME

"TIME is free, but its priceless. You can't own it but you can use it. You can't keep it, but you can spend it. Once you've lost it, you can't never get it back." -Harvey Mackay

***

So, thank you for those people who always make time with me. Also, thank you for this precious birthday gift. the best birthday gift I've ever received. I really want to have a watch and I'm thinking the reason why you gave me this. Thank you very much. Ikaw talaga yung maaalala ko dito kasi eto yung bagay na hindi mo kahit kelan pinagkait sakin na ibigay kahit na hindi tayo sobrang magkakilala yun ay yung ORAS mo. Maraming salamat, Kaibigan! :)

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A letter to the man I will love someday

Dear You,

I will admit that sometimes I really do wonder if you exist.

There is a part of every little girl’s heart that envisions her prince charming. At age three, it is usually of a man who can save her from the wrath of an evil stepmother, wake her from eternal slumber or give her that true love’s kiss.

In elementary school, he becomes the boy with the least cooties, the one who’s willing to cross the playground to share his Oreos even if it makes him a target for the week of all the other boys.

Come high school, it’s that boy you stand with at prom, who your father stared down at the door, who provided you with an experience complete with photos you will cringe at a decade later, a corsage that yellows in the refrigerator, and a faded memory of a night that seemed almost too magical to be real.

Twenty-two years into this life, however, and still unwilling to give my heart away, I am still that same little girl who hopes for her prince charming. And although I wonder why it has taken you this long to sweep me off my feet and whisk me off to your palace on horseback, I know that it is probably because meeting you will be better than any fairytale I could’ve read as a kid.

A couple of heartbreaks and a few years wiser though, I will admit that there are times when I question your existence. Because I have yet to meet the guy who makes me hear songs like “All My Life” or “Everytime we touch” in my head when I see him does not mean I don’t hope that it’ll ever happen.

I may already know you or may still meet you someday—something I leave completely up to God because I’m pretty sure our story will be epic.

However, I can’t promise you that I’d make the world’s most perfect princess. In fact I’ll probably keep you on your toes and amuse you with my eccentricities—there are a lot of them. I’ll probably steal a bunch of your T-shirts and turn them into shirt dresses, or drive you slightly mad with my obsessive compulsivity and my need to fix your collar constantly.

I can promise to be your best friend however—that person you can rant to after a rough day, the hand you can hold when you get sad, or the person you can text when situations get awkward.

I’ll probably mess up your hair sometimes and hug you for too long, but that’ll only be because I absolutely adore you. I’ll bury my head in your shoulder during scary movies and make you feel like superman when you kill those flying cockroaches that really shouldn’t exist. I’ll cook your favorite food on your birthday and try my best to make friends with your mom.

I’ll respect your nights-out with the boys and make you seem like the perfect guy to my barkada. I’ll watch basketball or play games with you, and not complain when you cheer too loudly at the TV set.

I’ll know the difference between giving you space and being constantly there for you—even if it means sitting and playing computer games with you or taking hot chocolate runs when it rains.

I’ll listen to your music and we’ll go on epic adventures together—seeing the world, taking awesome pictures, eating awesome food, and never running out of things to tell each other along the way.

I won’t be waiting for you to sweep me off my feet and take me on a magic carpet ride, because I know I won’t need anything like that to fall for you—I will love you for you.

You will be that someone to make goofy faces with in pictures, to lace fingers with when I’m lonely, and to take long walks under the stars with on the beach.

You’ll be the guy who takes me the way I am—and will laugh as I burst into Disney song or pick out pink wallpaper.

You’ll be that someone I envision a future with—us filling out visa forms as we travel the universe, picking out our first dog together and arguing about what to name it, or being snap-happy stage parents in our preschooler’s annual mini-plays. And I keep hoping that maybe someday when we find each other, you will become that someone whose smile I wake up to in the morning and the last one I speak to every night.

So to the man I know does exist, and who will help me maybe make sense of the world someday, this man I can’t wait to love. Please know that I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you. But for now, I wait. Fingers crossed and palms held together, I hope that you’re out there somewhere, waiting for me, too.

With the hope I will be yours for always,

Me

GOD, I'M IN PAIN

God, Ngayon. Hindi ako pumasok sa trabaho ko. Masakit eh. Nadudurog ako. Pinong pino. Yung nalaman mong nagsinungaling sayo yung taong muli mong pinagkatiwalaan. Yung taong binigyan mo ng pagkakataong sabihin sayo yung buong katotohanan pero nagsinungaling pala. Umiiyak lang ako buong gabi hanggat sa napagod ako at nawalan na ng ganang pumasok sa trabaho ko.

Gumising po ako na umiiyak parin. Hanggang sa panaginip ko. God, ang sakit. Ang sakit sakit. Paano niya nagawang ilihim sa akin yun? Oo nakaraan pa yon pero nagtanong naman ako sa kanya pero bakit hindi niya inamin? God, tuwing naiisip ko yun umiiyak lang ako. Mas lalo akong nawalan ng tiwala. Iba na yung pakiramdam ko ngayon towards him. Ayoko siyang maalala kasi naaalala ko lang sa kanya yung kasalanan niya. God, nagmahal lang naman ako. Kasalanan ko ba na hindi ako maging sapat sa taong mahal ko? Kasalanan ko bang hindi maging maganda? Kasalanan ko bang hindi maging sexy? Kasalanan ko ba yung mga bagay na hindi niya makita sakin na nakikita niya sa iba? Dyos ko, kung nakikita mo ako. Makikita mong umaagos yung luha ko ng walang tigil habang sinusulat ko ito. Parang hindi ako makahinga. Wala akong mapagsabihan dahil alam ko lang yung sasabihin nila sa akin. Sisisihin nila ako kasi di ako nakinig sa kanila. Mas lalo lang bibigat pakiramdam ko pag ganun. Kaya sinasarili ko nalang to. Napakasakit. Pinapatay ako ng sakit. Ayoko ng ganitong sakit.

God, titiisin ko to hanggang sa matapos yung birthday ko. Ayokong maging malungkot yung birthday ko. Kasi ayun yung pinakamahalagang okasyon sa buhay ko. Ayokong pag wala siya , tatanungin siya ng mga kaibigan ko kung nasaan siya at kung bakit wala siya. Ayokong mabadtrip at magdrama sa mismong birthday ko. Mas maigi ng makita nilang masaya ako. Mas madali kasing iexplain kung bakit ka masaya kesa sa kung bakit ka malungkot. Pero gabi gabi ko tong iiyakan hanggat di ko nasasabi sa kanya. Napakasakit. Yun lang yung salitang masasabi ko. Yung hindi lang iyak yung ginagawa ko kundi humihikbi. Bagay na nagagawa ko lang kapag hindi ko na kaya yung sakit. God, bakit po ganito?

Nireready ko na yung sarili ko pagkatapos ng kaarawan ko. Yung tiwala kong masasalba pa sana pero ngayon hindi na. Hindi ko inaasahan na masakit palang malaman yung katotohanan sa mismong naging babae niya. Yung katotohanan na para narin akong pinapatay. Yung tuwing maaalala ko, parang gusto kong tapusin na yung buhay ko. Kung hindi ko lang naiisip yung pamilya at kaibigan ko, siguro nagawa ko na yun. Ayoko ng makaramdam ng ganitong sakit God. Ang bigat bigat na po. Hindi ko na po kaya.

SHORT HAIR

“A woman who cuts her hair is about to change her life.”

― Coco Chanel

There are few girls who would dare to deny this universal truth transcendent among women of all ages residing across the seemingly infinite expanse of the universe: There is no material possession in our lives rich with greater substance than our HAIR. I don't care if its length surpasses the curve of your waist or if it's razor-cut and asymmetrical. Whether it spirals into a dizzying array of curls or hangs straight like two silken curtains is irrelevant. It doesn’t matter if it's wildly red, bleached and toned, dyed to the perfect pastel-cotton-candy pink or dark as a raven soaring through the night, our hair tells the world who we are, without us having to utter a word. When a woman takes a moment to reflect back on the colorful story of her life, each chapter will be defined by the diverse myriad of hairstyles she rocked within each specific decade, exploded moment and passionate love affair. “Hair holds so much more energy than most of us are aware of. Some women use it as a security blanket whose purpose is to shield and protect, while others use it as a secret weapon to tease and entice,” enthused Owen Gould, a celebrity hairstylist who has styled the tresses of everyone from Jessica Alba to Björk to Karlie Kloss to Kate Hudson, amid a mid-afternoon deep and heated dialogue with myself about the powerful connection between hair and identity.

Whether it's to signal the end of a relationship or a new promotion at work — there is usually a direct correlation between what's happening on our heads and what's happening in our lives.” Amen. The hair goddesses up above couldn't have said it more articulately than our expert. After all, what is a more powerful way to embark on a journey of personal transformation than to begin with the literal cutting off of the old and starting anew? Once those ever-so-shiny silver scissors snip away at our split, broken ends, all that has been damaged and abused in our lives falls onto the salon floor, gets swept up and tossed into the garbage alongside our old hair, never to be seen again. It's the shedding of old skin. It's akin to the feeling of checking heavy baggage at the airport and finally being free to run around with just your coin purse. It's like pushing a reset button on your life. Because what most people neglect to realize is when a woman cuts her hair — she's cutting off SO MUCH MORE:

1. She's cutting herself off from the societal standard of beauty. If we were to close our eyes to society’s message that beauty is only present in long, luxurious hair, we would see the most honest visual of sexiness is displayed in the short haircut. Short hair exposes the most seductive part of a woman's body: her neck. And once we get a glimpse of her neck, our eyes work their way down to her clavicle… Short hair exposes and highlights the physique of a woman — in a way long hair simply can't.

2. She's cutting out a toxic relationship. The best thing a woman can do when caught up in the tethered ties of a breakup is to embark on a change of heart through the change of her HAIR. Hair represents the intimacy of her last relationship, and keeping it in the same post-breakup not only keeps her mentally stagnant in the relationship but far more vulnerable to a relationship relapse. Nothing will kick-start the beat of a broken heart like a new hairstyle. The best part is now she can get the hairstyle she always wanted — not the same blonde highlights she endured year after year because it was what her ex preferred. She’s free to explore HER personal aesthetic as a fierce individual, without the shackles of outside opinion. She's cutting off your expectations of her. There are few things more life-affirming than a girl proclaiming to the universe SHE is going to finally do whatever the f*ck she wants. By fearlessly cutting her hair into the edgy style she has always dreamed of, she’s ridding herself of the rigid expectations bestowed upon her by society, her partner, her friends and her family. In turn, she’s creating her very own. Liberating herself in this way unleashes a whole new side of her personality and opens her up to a world she didn’t know existed.

3. She's cutting off safety to find adventure. Long hair is nestled deeply into the crux of the comfort zone. By cutting off long hair, we are cutting ourselves off from a falsified sense of protection. Our vision is widened without the blinding veils of long hair. With short hair, we’re stepping out of the barbed-wire cage of familiarity and stepping into the broad spectrum of adventure. She's cutting off the damage. Sometimes we abuse the hair on our heads. What was once luscious and unbreakable is now frail and wispy. The incessant abuse we bestowed upon our strands with the brutal weaponry of hot irons and teasing combs has wreaked severe havoc. Our hair (and our souls) are left worn and damaged. Not even the most expensive and luxurious Kerastase treatment in the world can breathe life into hair so DEAD. Sometimes the only thing to do is get rid of it and start the f*ck over. True for life and hair. She's cutting off 25 to 35 minutes of maintenance. The very thought of even calculating the time and energy graciously poured into the styling, the combing, the washing and conditioning of long hair is painfully daunting. The hours handcuffed to the tending of hair over the course of a woman’s life are uncountable. It’s as simple as it sounds: The shorter the hair, the shorter the time spent caring for it. What if a woman invested her time into seeking adventure, reading, and engaging in conversation? Could she become a more fully realized woman? What could fill up those empty hours she spent tangled into the thick wires of flatirons and hairdryers? She's cutting off “beauty” to tap into style. The beauty industry would like us to believe long hair is concurrent with “beauty”– but FASHION says otherwise. Nothing exudes STYLE like a fashion-forward, short haircut. The truly “beautiful” girls are the ones who have authentic personal style. They have creative vision that is expressed through their own definition of beauty. The girls who abandon convention, opting for originality instead. After all, “beauty” fades; style is everlasting.

4. She's cutting off fear. When a girl finally has the courage to cut her hair, she's finally owning who she truly is. She’s cutting herself off from everything she was, to be everything she is.

So far, this is the shortest hair I've ever had in my whole life. The first one I cut my hair short was the time my ex (basically still, my boyfriend now) broke up with me for the first time. but not like this. then now, when all else fails. I dunno what to do with my life now, I dunno what to do to lessen my stress, anxiety and everything. I want to be positive in life that's why I chose to change. Do something that I'm afraid to do and one of those fear is "to cut my hair". I really hate cutting my hair even an inch but because of stressing life brought to me, I decided to do it. just like Coco Chanel's quote "A woman who cuts her hair is about to change her life." Yes, I'm about to change and don't give a damn to those people who left me. they are unworthy to my life anyway. and to those who will leave, I DON'T CARE. just do what you want you're just proving me you don't deserve me. I'm a Queen, I'm PRICELESS and you can not find as priceless as me in this world full of trash. ^_^

Choose Her Every Day (Or Leave Her)

***

I spent 5 years hurting a good woman by staying with her but never fully choosing her.
I did want to be with this one. I really wanted to choose her. She was an exquisite woman, brilliant and funny and sexy and sensual. She could make my whole body laugh with her quick, dark wit and short-circuit my brain with her exotic beauty. Waking up every morning with her snuggled in my arms was my happy place. I loved her wildly.

Unfortunately, as happens with many young couples, our ignorance of how to do love well quickly created stressful challenges in our relationship. Before long, once my early morning blissful reverie gave way to the strained, immature ways of our everyday life together, I would often wonder if there was another woman out there who was easier to love, and who could love me better.

As the months passed and that thought reverberated more and more through my head, I chose her less and less. Every day, for five years, I chose her a little less.

I stayed with her. I just stopped choosing her. We both suffered.

Choosing her would have meant focusing every day on the gifts she was bringing into my life that I could be grateful for: her laughter, beauty, sensuality, playfulness, companionship, and so … much … more.

Sadly, I often found it nearly impossible to embrace – or even see – what was so wildly wonderful about her.

I was too focused on the anger, insecurities, demands, and other aspects of her strong personality that grated on me. The more I focused on her worst, the more I saw of it, and the more I mirrored it back to her by offering my own worst behavior. Naturally, this only magnified the strain on our relationship … which still made me choose her even less.

Thus did our nasty death spiral play itself out over five years.

She fought hard to make me choose her. That’s a fool’s task.

To be fair, she didn’t fully choose me, either. The rage-fueled invective she often hurled at me was evidence enough of that.

I realize now, however, that she was often angry because she didn’t feel safe with me. She felt me not choosing her every day, in my words and my actions, and she was afraid I would abandon her.

Actually, I did abandon her.

Like a precious fragrant flower I brought proudly into my home but then failed to water, I left her alone in countless ways to wither in the dry hot heat of our intimate relationship.

I’ll never not choose another woman I love again.

It’s torture for everyone.

If you can’t find a satisfying answer, dig deeper and find one. It could be as simple as noticing that in your deepest heart’s truth, “I just do.”

If you can’t find it today, ask yourself again tomorrow. We all have disconnected days.

But if too many days go by and you just can’t connect with why you’re choosing your partner, and your relationship is rife with stress, let them go. Create the opening for another human being to show up and see them with fresh eyes and a yearning heart that will enthusiastically choose them every day.

Your loved one deserves to be enthusiastically chosen. Every day.

You do, too.

Choose wisely.

https://bryanreeves.com/choose-her-everyday-or-leave-her/